How To Get Fired From Your Job
by RabidSheep
Summary: Aizen and his crew are looking for work but hollows are simply not the working type. This involves nearly all the Espada with each chapter involving a new job. Reviews are loved.
1. The Petco Disaster

1Review if you like, and feel free to suggest jobs or characters you would like to see working with the espada. I do not own bleach nor any of these places. Some chapters were written by me while others were written by l-is-dead. Now on to the fic!

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The Espada get jobs working at Petco. Ulquiorra, Aizen, Grimmjow, and Gin.

Aizen is busy re-shelving fish food when hears a banging-clanging coming from the front of the store. He walks around the row of cat toys and sees Ulquiorra busy banging his head against the cash register, clearly not knowing what to do with it.

"Ulquiorra, that is clearly to difficult for you to understand. Come sweep the floor." He says handing Ulquiorra a broom from the corner of the store. Gin snickers then goes back to grooming a poodle.

Aizen turns back to shelving things when he hears a rapidly increasing whacking sound. He turns to see Ulquiorra busy banging the broom against the floor, obviously confused. "How do you turn this thing on?" He mumbles, lost amongst all the technology of the living world.

"Hey retard, try rubbing it along the floor!" Grimmjoww jokes from standing at his cash register. He snickers then turns to mess with the register, idly. He doesn't have time to react when the broom hits him hard on his head. WHACK!

"YOU MOTHER FU-" He starts to rev up his Cero to attack Ulquiorra but is cut off when Aizen steps in between them, breaking up to potential fight.

"Ulquiorra, why don't you just go help Gin wash the puppies?" Aizen says to the confused Espada who walks towards the grooming part of the store.

A little old lady walks up to Grimmjoww. "Excuse me, sir. Where is your cat food?"

"What do you think, stupid?! Its in the cat food isle! " He growls at her. The little old lady whimpers and shuffles off, leaving Grimmjoww boredly learning on the counter. He picks up a dog magazine and started looking at it.

Aizen sidled up behind him. "Grimmy, Did I ever tell you, you are as pretty a Britney Spears after she has her head shaved?"

"Ah, thanks Aizen-samma. That's really sweet of you to sa-...wait a second!"

A woman's scream is heard from the grooming station. "What did you do to my poodle!!??!"

A smirking Gin stands next to a freshly shaved poodle with a Mohawk and an Espada tattoo on the dog. "Look at it this way, she looks way better now, then when you brought her in."

"YOU GAVE MY DOG A TATTOO, YOU FREAK!" she accuses him, then takes he dog and leaves while mumbling something about a guy in the back banging his head against puppies.

The roaring of engines suddenly causes all the store patrons to flee outside in terror as Aizen and Grimmjoww race their motorcycles through the store, knocking down aisles and breaking fish tanks as they roar around the inside of Petco. "Your going down, Aizen-samma!"Grimmy yells at him as they race.

Aizen hits a button on his motorcycle and it transforms into a giant robot that destroys half the store. Suddenly everyone stops and looks around. The manager storms out of his office, his face red as a cherry with anger.

"All you freaks are fired. Just leave!"He yells at them. The Espada look crushed but slowly start walking/riding out of the store. Aizens giant robot stomping and breaking through walls as it goes. Gin has to pull Ulquiorra away from banging his head against puppies as they walk out.

They look expectantly at Aizen. "Now what?" Gin asks him as he looks to the sky. Aizen sighs and runs his hand through his suave hair.

"Now, Gin, we look for jobs elsewhere."


	2. Szayel Works at Build A Bear

1"Ah good afternoon!" A tall man dressed in white waves a woman and her child in past the glass doors. The mother looks at the man's deep pink colored hair with mixed interest and disgust on her face. The man looks WAY to happy at their arrival. His odd white glasses shining in the bright lights of the store, the left lense alight with a glare. The tall man follows her and her daughter as they walk into the middle of the store, the girl's eyes as wide as saucers.

"Go ahead, molly and pick out which bear you would like to make." The mother tells the child. Molly scampers over to the bear display with glee.

The strange man stands next to the mother with a creepy smile plastered on his face. His golden eyes watching the child similar to the way a hyena watching an antelope. The mother fidgets nervously beside him.

"Its her first time here. I thought I would let her have some fun this weekend." She tells Szayel He nods at her words but still watches the child with that creepy look of his face.

"Oh it is her first time, is it? Well this should be fun for all of us!" The pink haired man says with a flourish of his hands to the Build-a-bear equipment around them.

He strides up to stand behind the girl, so quite is he that she does not even notice till he has his head right beside her ear.

"Found a bear-skin, have you?" He says into her ear. The girl squeaks and jumps away from him as the man throws back his head and chuckles. Molly looks at the soft blue bear skin in her hands then nods at him.

Szayel holds out his hand and she puts the skin in it, allowing him to take it to the tumbling fluffy machine will stuff the bear with cotton. There is a bucket filled with cheesy little red hearts for putting in the bears. He picks one of the hearts in his hand and looks at it with disdain.

"They told me to put one of these 'hearts' in your bear before I stuff it." He says then scoffs. "These are not even like real hearts! I mean tiny and made of what is this....satin? Who in their right mind thinks a mammal's heart actually looks like this?!" He sounds at the mother and her daughter who stare at him in a stunned silence.

He continues ranting to them about the many differences between real bears and stuffed but the little girl is not paying attention to him anymore. She stares at the churning cotton machine behind Szayel that moves the whit fluffy around inside of it. She stares at the hypnotic rotation before seeing something odd in the machine. She stares some more and the odd thing appears but is quickly gone again, appearing to be caught in the rotating blades inside. She steps forwards to get a better look then gasps.

"There is a little man in there!" She cries out, pointing to the round fraccion caught in the spin cycle of the fluffy machine. Szayel turns around to look but is not surprised to see Verona shoved against the glass then pulled back by the endless cycle of the cotton machine.

"Oh yes...that.." The pink haired man waves it off. "Verona put to much stuffing in a bear earlier and I punished it."

Still stunned the humans gawk at the poor fraccion spinning round in round in the sea of white fluff. Szayel takes the bear and shoves its open in on the pipe branching out from the machine.

"Lets stuff this mother fucker, shall we?" He says to the little girl with a huge grin. He pulls down a ridiculously long lever and the bare starts filling up with stuffing. The bear starts rapidly expanding from the cotton shoved inside of it. Bigger and bigger it gets till it looking like it will explode.

Molly gasps and is just about to tell him to stop when the espada pushes the lever back up. He takes the bear and stitches it back up to keep the large amount of fluff inside of it.

"Uh sir..you forgot to put a little heart inside of her." Molly says softly, holding one of the cheesy fake hearts in her small hand.

Szayel glares down at her through his glasses and Molly begins to regret every stepping foot inside the store with this weirdo.

"She doesn't need a heart to be normal. Why I don't have a heart and look at me!" He says, finishing off the stitching. "There! No go put some clothing on it!" He says shoving the bear into her arms. Molly scampers to the clothing bar and starts ogling the rows upon rows of bear-sized clothing. She looks at a small espada uniform exactly like the pink haired man's but made for bears. Odd. Molly moves on to the dresses.

She picks out a frilly pink dress and begins putting it on her bear. "Good choice." A voice beside her ear says. She cringes but finds not the pink haired man but a green eyed emo sort of guy standing beside her with his hands in his pockets.

"I am Ulquiorra and will help you check out. Szayel is...."The green eyed man casts a look at where the pink one is trying to shove a second little fraccion into the cotton machine. "Busy."

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Molly and her mother walk out of the store. Molly looks up at her mother while holding her newly made stuffed bear.

"That was fun!"


	3. Burgerking

It could happen anywhere, at anytime. They could come to your Burgerking and wreak havok. This is the story of four Espada: Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, Yammy, Stark, and their leader, Aizen.

The manager of the local fast food chain was a pimply faced adolescent with curly red hair and a bright orange nametag which read: Dilbert. He was in the middle of a speech over proper use of the facilities and it was quite apparent none of the Espada were paying attention. Aizen feigned interest by bulging his eyes and nodding understandingly after every few sentences.

"...and that's how my best friend died by not washing his hands. Any questions?" No answer. "...well, I'll trust you guys to take care of this place while I'm gone. It sure was convenient of five of you to show up for jobs the day after the previous employees were murdered." Aizen rubbed his neck and looked at the ceiling. "Yeah, crazy...what are the chances? Well, it's about time you left us to do our job~" Aizen was already opening the front door and leading his boss out. "But, but-I still haven't showed you how to work the deep fryer." "Haha, how hard could it be?" Dilbert gave a shrug of his shoulders and was gone. Party time! Now Aizen was in control-and it was good. "Grimmjow, take all the money from the registers. Yammy, go in the back and take as much of the food as you can. Stark..."

Aizen leaned in close so only the primero Espada could hear him. Grabbing him by the shoulders, Aizen turned Stark to Ulquiorra. "I want you to watch over him while we're here. He just hasn't been the same since that girl broke his heart. He means everything to me. I can't entrust him to these other fools. They would do things to him. Need I remind you what happened to Wonderweiss?" Stark shuddered. "Don't worry, Aizen-sama. I too know...the pain of heartbreak. We may have high speed regeneration but nothing can regenerate a broken heart." Aizen nodded understandingly and walked to the back of the room. "This place needs some fresh air. You guys smell awful. Yeah, especially you, Grimmjow! Don't give me that look! I created you, I can just as easily destroy you!"

Stark pulled out his keepsake locket. Silver and encircled with rhinestones and memories of better times. Aizen opened the window and Stark's heart did the same. An autographed picture was inside. "To my number one fan. 3 Grimmjow" Click. Click. Just as quickly as they had opened, both windows were now closed.

A loud and awkward voice now filled the void of silence. WHAT ABOUT ME, AIZEN?! I DIDN'T GET NOTHIN' TO DO!" Aizen pulled out a coloring book and a 6 pack of Crayola™. "Your job is to make me a pretty picture without coloring outside the lines. Do you think you can do that champ?" Ulquiorra blankly accepted and began to run around. "YAAAAAAAAA-"

Wam. Straight to the floor. The culprit? A big fat foot courtesy of Yammy. -AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-" Stark got in Yammy's face. "What the hell, man?" Yammy stupidly grinned and shoved Stark. "What are you gonna do, 5 o' clock shadow? HUH? Yawn on me? LOLZORZ."

BZZZZANG.

:iconyammyplz:

Yammy was now two arms lighter. "AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Oh my god! Blood is everywhere!"

Aizen chuckled even though he knew it was an innappropriate time to do such a thing.

Grimmjow, knowing the pain of such events, stepped in. "Dude? Both arms? Seriously? THIS IS WHY I CAN'T LOVE YOU!"

Stark collapsed to his knees in Yammy's blood. "Help me...I'm...dying."

"YOU NEVER LOVED ME AND YOU KNOW IT! YOU'RE ALWAYS GOING ON ABOUT 'KUROSAKI' THIS, OR 'KUROSAKI' THAT! WHO IS HE? YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND?!"

Grimmjow fell to console his lover. "Hey, hey, hey. He's nothing. I didn't mean it. I still love you."

"How can I believe anything you say anymore? Here's your pendent!" With exceptional aiming, Stark threw it into the deep fryer.

"...guys, seriously. I think I might be-"

Aizen turned to walk away when he noticed something out of the ordinary. "...hey, where's Ulquior-"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!

"Dammit! Who loved the deep fryer on? Yammy? Was it you? You're fired!"

At that moment Dilbert opened the door. "Excuse me, Gentlemen. I forgot my unicorn good luck charm. I never leave withou- What in the name Picard has happened here?

"OH SHI-" Aizen then turned into a giant robot and blew up the entire Burgerking. Sadly, Dilbert and his unicorn good luck charm did not make it. Yep. That's it. Nobody else. At all.

Fin.


	4. Grimmjow Hates Tea

Grimmjow hates tea. Sitting down at the table beside Stark he prepares for another boring and long speech delivered by Lord Aizen. Mugs are set on the table filled to the brim with piping hot tea, the very tea Aizen seemed to love so much. Grimmjow never tried it but is sure it tastes awful. Steam rises in silver tendrils up from the mug before him to tickle his nose with its tea-like scent. He snorts out the smell in disgust. When all the Espada are seated at the rectangular table their lord begins his usual greeting.

"Good morning, my brothers and sister. I pray you are all well?"

Silence, as usual, is their reply.

Grimmjow rests his elbow on the table top and puts his chin on his fist. He rolls his eyes at the words. 'If Aizen is God then who does HE pray to?' The sexta silently asks himself, zoning out as Aizen talks about something.

Teal tinted eyes glance down at his steaming mug of dark liquid. It was taunting him with its steamy warmness. He forces himself to look away but his gaze soon drifts back to the mug in front of him.

'Drink me, Grimmjow.' It seems to say to him in a weirdly happy voice that sounded like a high-pitched version of Ulquiorra's voice. 'Im delicious...All you need is one taste to become hooked like Aizen.' The tea taunts him.

Grimmjow snarls down at his reflection in the amber debts of the liquid. The rest of the Espada have their heads turned to their lord as they listen to him with rapt attention. Noone of them seem to hear the talking tea that sits taunting him. When he can take no more he reaches out to grasp the warm handle of the stone mug(Aizen had the mugs mad out of stone because anything weaker was easily broken by the Espada's hands) and puts the brim of it to his lips.

Piping hot liquid washes over his tongue bringing him a rush of flavor harnessed with in the tea. Grimmjow holds the tea in his mouth with the mug still to his lips incase the flavor is so nasty he might to spit it back in. He waits. It is not terrible so he gently sets his mug back down on the table. That's when it hits him. A beautiful cacophony of flavors rush over his tongue to flood his senses with such wonderful palatableness he had never tasted the likes of before. It tasted like purple Kool Aid mixed with...RAINBOWS!

He quickly picks up his mug and takes another sip, no rather a gulp. One gulp turns into another and another. He puts his hand on the bottom of the mug, tilting it up as he puts his head back so that all the liquid heaven pours right into his mouth. A little tricks out the corners of his lips but he seems not to notice. Disappointment overcomes him as he stares up at the bottom of the empty cup when he had drained it of all its contents. Every last drop is gone. He shakes it just in case. Nothing.

Setting it down he frowns, his joy starting to drain faster then his mug of tea. He needed MORE. Glancing over at Stark to his left he sees that the uno Espada has not even touched his tea. Stark just sits there staring at Lord Aizen with a glazed over look, obviously far away from here. He is dreaming about a nice comfy bed with his name on it but is rudely jerked out of his day-dream by someone breathing down his neck. Stark turns his head to look but his nose touching Grimmjow's as the sexta is uncomfortably close to him. The primera sweat drops.

Hungry teal eyes stare into half-lidded brown ones. "Hey. You gonna drink that?"

Stark is very confused about WHY the sexta has his nose pressed against his own and it takes him a moment to understand what Grimmjow is asking about.

"Huh? Oh my tea? Naw, you can have it." Stark says pushing the mug to Grimmy. The sexta snatches the mug and quickly sits back in his chair to drain the cup. All to soon he feels the last lovely drop fall on his tongue. MORE! He sets Stark's mug next to his own then glances around the table at all the other untouched cups of steaming tea. Aizen still drones on about security and what to do in an emergency.

Cobalt eyes fall upon the form of Zommari sitting to his right. The spiked man is not even paying to the sexta beside him.

"Zommari. Hey Zommari. Hey Zommari. Hey hey hey Zommari.." Grimmjow says whilst poking the ninth in his rib cage. The man glances over at him in naked irritation.

"What do you want, trash?"

"Gimmie your tea and I will stop poking you." The ultramarine eyed man tells the darker skinned one. Zommari grunts and hands the sexa his tankard. Anything to get him to shut up for five seconds.

This one is drunk faster then the previous ones. The sexta sets it down on the white table with a 'chink!' and licks his lips in delight, the flavor having an intoxicating effect on his bored mind. He adds Zommari's empty cup to his growing collection then glaces around for his next victim. Still Aizen drones on.

He spots Yammy down on the end picking his nose. To far away to talk to and Grimmjow highly doubts the other Espada would be willing to pass him up Yammy's tankard. Knowing he MUST have another cup of this deliciousness the teal haired man makes up his mind on what he must now do. Slipping under neath the table he makes his way through a sea of legs towards where Yammy sits. Aizen seems not to notice his absence.

'Man, that guy loves the sound of his own voice!' He thinks while accidently brushing against a set of feminine legs. Above the table Szayel stiffens.

"I think something just touched my foot."

A sort of snorting/snuffling sound can be heard underneath the table yet is ignored by the Espada that sit listening to their lord. Yammy sits with one large hand plopped on the table top and the other digging in his nose. 'Eeewww' Grimmjow stifles a snort of disgust. Beside the tenth a slender hand suddenly reaches up from underneath the table to slap the top of it beside the large Espada. Nothing. The hand sinks back under the table. SMACK! The hand slaps the table to again but comes back empty handed. Three, no five, no SEVEN times the hand smacks the table top beside Yammy, searching for the mug of tea before grasping the handle and pulling the cup below the surface of the table.

Slurping sounds can be heard followed by "Oh yeeaah. That's the stuff!" Still Aizen acts as if he is blind to his sixths escapade. The now empty mug is left one the floor as he crawls to where that prick Ulquiorra sits with his emerald eyes turned towards his god. A simple tap on his right shoulder makes him look while the sexta's hand reaches around his right side to grasp his mug. Downed, Empty. Now another needed!

The rest of the tea tankards are stolen in similar ninja fashions. Szayel's was stolen when the pink topped fool dared to close his eyes for a moment. He had looked around in surprise at his missing cup with his hand placed where the vanished drink had sat only moments before.

"Didn't I just have a drink here?"

Barragan was asleep with his eyes open so stealing his was a piece of cake. Arrionero never noticed the hand he reached up from the debts of under the table and swiped his cup while he was in the bathroom. Harribel had been ticked into submission, surrendering her mug down to him between giggles. Nnoitra was the only one to put up a fight even tho he didn't care for the taste of the amber liquid.

"Gimmie the drink and I wont hurt you!" Grimmjow whispers up to Nnoitra. The dark haired Espada glares down at him with malice in his one good eye.

"Bull! As if you could hurt me from all the way down there." He snickers but his laughs turns into a yelp of pain as he suddenly grabs his ankle away from the sexta. "You BIT me!" He looks up to see his mug gone and everyone at the table staring at him. Aizen clears his throat pointedly.

"If Nnoitra is done crying in pain I will continue." The accused hangs his head and Aizen smirks. "Good."

Grimmjow stares at the end of the table debating on wether or not to go for Lord Aizen's tea. Heaven knows he likes his tea but the sexta is sure he likes it more. So crawling through the sea of legs beneath the table he crouches beside Aizens legs then slowly, ever so slowly, reaches up for where the mug should be. He feels his blood turn to ice, his breathing hitch in his chest, sweat trickling down his arm. Just a little further...

'Got it!' He feels his hand curl around the warm handle of the tankard. Relief washes over him. He starts to pull the mug towards the edge of the table but it freezes, snagged on something. Grimmjow pulls harder on the handle but it doesn't budge. It must be hung up on something strong! The sexta gives a good hard jerk but it doesn't move the cup one inch. Leaning out from under the table he looks up at the mug to find Aizen staring down at him, Aizen's left hand clasped firmly over the top of his tea mug. Grimmjow looks at his own hand still on the handle then looks up into Aizen's angry brown eyes.

There is a tense silence that fills the room. The Espada all hold their breath, awaiting something terrible to happen. Noone has ever EVER touched Aizen's tea before. Such was off limits to even Gin and the blind one. Slowly Grimmjow lets go of the handle and looks up into his Lord's flaming eyes. The sexta feels his own aquamarine irises grow wide in fear of the shinigami traitor. Sweat trickles down his spine underneath his shirt.

"Grimmjow-san, I can deal with you stealing the other Espada's tea but attempting to steal mine is unforgivable. I will let it slip this time but I will not be so quick to condone you next time this happens. Now please take your seat."

Everyone in the room seems to heave a sigh of relief. Suddenly the sexta places his hands on the floor and hunches his back up, his teal eyes distant A terrible hacking sound comes from his mouth and his belly is pushed tight inside of him. He hacks again.

"What's wrong with him?" Szayel asks in disgust.

"Such a god awful noise!" Nnoitra says while covering his ears with his hands to block out the hacking sound. The hacking begins rising in tempo.

"He's gonna throw up!" Gin cries, stepping back in horror.

As if on cue Grimmjow empties his stomach of all its delicious tea contents on to the floor and across Aizen's sandals.

Feeling better Grimmjow rises up from the floor and slowly walks back to his place beside Stark. Aizen seems to be thinking before taking up his place where he was talking.

"Also Sexta, I would like you to say late and help Gin clean up after everyone has left."

Grimmjow puts his chin on his fist and turns his head away from Aizen. "Aw man.."


	5. Carwash Gone Wrong

Thank you wonderful reviewers (Both of you!) For being so kind in your posts. I am sorry for the last chapter not being about jobs, I just woke up in the middle of the night and thought 'I must write this'. So, uh, thanks for putting up with my insanity! This next chapter is about a carwash which I view as a job. Sorta. If there is a certain (legal) job you wish me to write about the Espada doing please let me know! =D

Much love,~ RabidSheep 3

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A group of men are outside and Autoparts store with buckets of soap, rags, and a water hose the store manager has allowed them to hook up in their parking lot.. Aizen sits in a folding chair with an umbrella hat on and a Pepesi can in his hand.

Stark stands not far off wearing a very pretty pink bikini and writing "Charity Carwash" on a poster with black marker. Aizen-sama had ordered him to wear the bikini to attract customers but it seemed to have the opposite effect on them. Stark turns to Tosen beside him and shows him the sign.

"Does my writing look okay-.....Oh wait...I forgot...." Stark cringes as milky white eyes turn to stare at him in anger. Tosen is also wearing a bikini but his is a stunning purple with black stitching. Its clear he is POed but he is also unwilling to tell his leader the word 'no'.

Stark walks up to Aaroniero to get his opinion on his handwriting. Its early morning with the sun having just risen yet already Aizen was sitting in his foldout chair complaining about the heat. Stark is sure he has heard soccer moms complain less then his Lord right now.

"Stark, you and Tosen go hold the signs by the street and try to get us some customers!" Aizen barks.

"Aaroniero, you use your tentacle thingies to wash the cars we get."

"And what about you, Aizen-sama-the- most-handsome-king-in-all-of-the-land?" Stark asks, sucking up to the shinigami once again.

Aizen puts his hand on his chest and looks almost offended. "ME?! Why I am going to sit back here and...supervise you."

Tosen takes up his sign and walks beside the street, holding it facing the oncoming cars. Many people honk their horns at him and he waves at them feeling important.

"Hey humans are kinda nice here..." He says to himself. A car zooms past with the horn blaring loudly in his sensitive ears. The driver flips Tosen off and laughs as the man waves back at him, blind to the crude gesture.

"Your sign is upside down, retard! " Someone else yells while driving past.

Stark leans against a light post, dozing lightly while holding his sign. An old station wagon pulls into the parking lot with a cheerful man as the driver who waves Aizen over to his vehicle.

"What charity is this for?"

"For ah...Men-with-holes-in-their-chest Charity." Aizen says then pulls Aaroniero over and opens his shirt to show the man his hollow hole. The man makes a pitying clicking sound and gives Aizen a handful of money.

"You poor son of a gun..." He says sadly.

He pulls his station wagon around to the washing area then gets out and walks inside the store. Aaroniero gets to work using his long tentacles to each hold a soap soaked sponge and wash the car in twice the time it would take a group of teenage boys to wash it. Aizen goes back to sitting in his chair and sipping his Pepsi cola. Stark is sleeping in the grass on top of his sign and Tosen has started flipping the drivers back off as they drive by honking their horns.

The owner of the station wagon comes out a few moments later with a Mountain Dew in his hand but the drink crashes to the ground as he sees a monster washing his car.

"What the f-!" He is cut off by Aaroniero turning around and screaming in fright of the human seeing his many tentacles. All over the soapy station wagon. The man starts screaming, as well. Freaking out Aaroniero wacks the man over the head with his nearest tentacle then grabs his unconscious body as it falls. He looks around wondering what the heck to do now with a half-dead human body in his arms. Aizen and Tosen are not looking and Stark is asleep on the grass. He opens the car door and shoves the body inside, closing the door just as Aizen turns around to glace at him.

Aaroniero Starts washing the suds off with the water hose, whistling as he does so to make him seem less suspicious.

"Everything okay back here?" Aizen asks, his sexy eyes narrowing at the Espada.

"Yeah! Yeah! Everything is fine here! How-how are you? Everything fine with you?" Aaroniero stutters.

"I heard you scream."

"Scream? Oh no, I was uh..singing!" The Espada lies while suddenly breaking out into a loud and very off key rendition of "Don't Trust Me" by 3OH!3. Aizen cringes and turns away from the ear piercing noise, plugging his ears with his fingers.

"I will destroy you!" A shout comes from the street as Tosen stands in the middle of the road waving his sword at a bunch of stopped cars. People begin honking and swerving to miss the blind man who stands threatening them with a samurai sword. Sighing Aizen gets up and rescues Tosen from the traffic, pulling him over to the car to help Aaroniero finish drying off the now sparkly clean station wagon.

"Here this should be more your level, Tosen." He says politely, putting a dry Shamwow in Tosen's hand. His sword leaning up against the building nearby.

"Where is the customer, anyways?" Aizen asks looking around. Aaroniero sweat drops and stops washing. Inside the car he sees the body of the human stirring. The man sits up in the car seat, slowly blinking his eyes and rubbing his head. Suddenly his eyes widen when he looks at Aaroniero outside the car but with tentacles now retracted under his clothing. The human screams, fumbling with his keys, the drives off with Tosen still drying the car off with his shammy cloth.

"What's his problem?" Aizen grumbles and waves a red car to the spot where the station wagon had just been. "Ah well we got another."

The person hands them some cash then walks inside the store to wait.

Stark is having a nice dream about strolling down a cotton candy road and eating a whole manner of sweets that grow naturally in candy land. He takes a huge bite of a bar of chocolate but is shocked for it tastes stringy and grass-like. Opening his eyes he spits out a mouthful of grass.

"Bleh....Im hungry...I wonder if Aizen brought any snacks." He leaves his sign on the ground and stalks over to where Aizen sits.

"Me hungry."

"Use proper words, Stark."

"Stark hungry!"

"Try asking again the right way." Aizen says, coaxing the Espada on.

"Stark hungry for FOOOOOODDD." The espada groans while clutching his belly with his right hand and pointing to his mouth with his left.

"Good enough." Aizen sighs and hands the primera a snickers bar. Stark takes the bar and walks around the corner to eat it beside Tosen and Aaroniero while they wash the car.

"Did you do the 'stupid' talk to Aizen, again?" Tosen asks Stark.

"Hey, he really thinks I cant talk right." Stark says over a mouthful of his snicker bar.

"I still think you cant talk right." Aaroniero says snickering.

Stark shoots him a dirty look and puts the rest of the candy bar in his mouth.

"What was that, tentacles?" He mumbles over the food in his cheeks.

The other Espada stiffens at the nickname, if his face showed then it would show a very angry face that looks like this " :( ".

Tosen can hear the sudden movement and knows Aaroniero is angry about the remark from the Primera. "You he is self-conscious about his tentacles, Stark. Don't be that way."

Stark rolls his eyes and starts walking back around the corner. "Yeah what ever."

When he is around the corner and back in Aizen's earshot he takes on his dumb facade again.

"Stark thirsty!"He complains to his lord.

Tosen shakes his head, his sensitive hearing having caught the Primera using his stupid routine on Aizen once again. He wonders how long till Aizen finds out that his precious Stark is not as dumb as he pretends to be. A cop car rolls into the parking lot. Aizen panics, knocking over his folding chair as he races around the corner, dragging stark with him.

"Everybody In the car! I got the keys now get in!" Aizen yells, jumping in the drivers seat and forcing Stark into the passengers side.

"Hey Im not done washing this." Aaroniero complains but pulls all his tentacles and his body inside the red car. Tosen gets in the back next to him and the peel out of the parking lot just as a police officer walks around the corner to speak with them about a certain 'tentacle beast'As they speed off then know once more they are jobless.


	6. Aizen Makes School Cool

Okay first idea we choose to do is the school one. I don't know but I just really like the thought of the Espada trying to teach a room of unruly youngsters. You will follow Billy Everykid as he suffers through his first day of middle school, taught by teachers weirder then he could have ever imagined. Feel free to suggest new ideas of jobs you would like to see the Espada working at.

Please enjoy~ RabidSheep

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Backpack? Check. Pencils? Check. Spider Lunch box? Check. The boy steps outside his house ready for his first day at middle school. He is nervous having heard it is nothing like what elementary school was, the teachers are rumored to be very unforgiving of mistakes and like to pile homework on.

Clutching his backpack straps tight he pushes his glasses up his nose and stands on the end of his drive way waiting for the bus to come. He hopes the other children don't make fun of his chubby belly or freckles like people did to him at the elementary school. Poor Billy couldn't help it if he got the short end of the genetic stick. He hears a distant rumbling telling him the school bus is nat far away. Straining his eyes he looks down at the end of the street and sees a spot of yellow on the horizon heading his way. The rumble of the engine grows until it is a deafening roar as the Bus speeds towards his house way faster then any school bus should be going.

With a yell the boy jumps into the bushes just barely avoiding being ran over by a yellow bus with flames painted on the side of it. The bus stops in his garden and the door opens with a hiss. Inside Yammy sits at the wheel wearing sunglasses and trying to act normal. He spots Billy cowering in the bushes and lifts his sunglasses back on his head to squint at the kid.

"You have five seconds to get your behind on this buss, boy!" He barks and the boy scrambles to get on. Inside the buss an assortment of very scared teens huddle together on the seats. The buss surges on and the tenth Espada cracks open a can of beer to chug while driving.

Yammy looks at his captive crew through the mirror. "If your wondering why there are flames on the side of the buss...its because the flames make it go faster." He says with a straight face. Many mail boxes mowed down and a few hit and runs later they arrive at the school.

Cafeteria doors open. Children are herded in side. A tall black suited man with sleek brown hair stands to the side watching the children and licking his lips. Azien is no less creepy then he usually is. Billy pretends to ignore him as he walks past but a strong hand grasps his shoulder, holding him in place as the man looks over him.

"Hey little boy..This your first day at the middle school?" Principal Aizen asks him with oddly hungry eyes. The boy stammers an answer.

"Well..I...uh, sir...you see..."

"As I expected your at a loss for words! Well carry on, boy. And don't let me catch you being sent to my office!" He says with a spine chilling laugh and pats little Billy on his head. Creeepy.

Bell rings. Time for first period. Science with Professor Granz.

The science room stinks of formaldehyde and chemicals, the children all hurry to take their seats. Billy is forced to take one at the back of the class where he can hardly see the board. A door opens and out of the closet waltzes a scary skinny man with candy pink hair and white rimmed glasses. He wears the white clothing of a mad scientist, some red stains adorn the marshmallow white shirt of his.

"Lets start off the year on a good foot and do something fun. Dissecting human bodies!" Szayel says with an evil grin on his face as he claps his hands and his small arrancar comes out pushing a dolly loaded with Hobo bodies. Everyone in the room turned ghost white and a couple of girls even fainted. The arrancar Verona doles out the bodies one per table. Retching sounds can be heard through the room as students begin seeing their breakfasts make a surprise appearance. Billy is sitting at a table alone so he gets a body all to himself. How lucky...

Looking down at the body he glances back at the teacher with a pleading look. The teacher has his hands folded behind his back and now walks among the tables instructing where to make the incisions on the bodies. Tools are handed out next but Billy is not paying attention. For you see his Hobo body has started to twitch and move, clearly not as dead as he had thought it was. His hobo man sits up and groans, holding his head with one hand.

"Uh ... Professor Granz my body is still...moving." He says to Szayel.

The pink haired teacher rolls his eyes and sighs.

"If you cannot do such a simple task as kill your experiment subject then you are never going to pass this class, boy. Just take your scalpel and kill him."

"Y-yes sir." Billy mutters then takes the knife in hand and makes a half hearted swing at the hobo. The man grunt ands smacks the scalpel out of the boy's hand.

Szayel sighs from half way across the room.

"You there, boy with the rebellious hobo. Come here!"

Reluctant Billy walks up to him. Szayel leads him back into the closet and shuts the door. The closet is a makeshift office with jars of brains and body part lining the walls.

"It's a shame you are so stupid." The teacher says rifling through his desk then taking out an office slip. He fills it out then hands it to the boy.

"Go to Principal Aizen's office and give him this." They walk out of the closet together and Billy can see the still alive Hobo sitting in his seat and writing down notes on the assignment, having taken over the boy's place in the class.

Billy takes the slip and while walking down the hallway glances at it. Reason for write up: "Student refused to kill."

The boy inwardly groans at his day being off to a bad start already.

The door to the principals office is Open so he walks right in but half way through the door way he stops short. There is Aizen playing with two toy dinosaurs on his desk making them talk and fight each others.

"Haha, Rawr im going to eat you now!" Aizen makes a blue T-rex say while ramming it against a green Triceratops. The Triceratops cries out in fake pain. "Curse your sudden and obvious betrayal! Who could have seen this coming?"

Billy clears his throat loudly.

Aizen jumps and looks up at him then with one sweep of his arm he wipes the toys off his desk onto the floor.

"What can I do for you, son?"

Billy answers by putting the office slip on the mans desk and sitting down in a nearby chair. He has never been written up before and hangs his head in shame. He looks up when he hears a crunching sound. Aizen sits with a large jar of candy in his lap, popping candy in his mouth while sitting back and not even looking at the paper slip.

"So what you get wrote up for? I wouldn't peg you are a bad kid."

"I refused to kill my experiment subject, apparently."

Aizen leans back in his chair and nods. "Who did you have?"

"Professor Granz."

"Oh Szayel, yeah he always was anal about stuff like that. Look the bell is about to ring, go back to class and get ready for second period."

Billy obeys and rushes to get his backpack for the next class.

Second period is History with Zommari Leroux.

Class starts. Another seat in the back. The teacher stands at the head of the class glaring at them. It only took Billy five minuets to get sent to the office once more. This time the slip of paper reads: "Student would not stop looking at me."

He is so angry walking down the hallway he fails to noticed the teal haired janitor/hall monitor suddenly beside him. A rough hand grabs him by the throat and slams him against the nearest wall. Billy can barely breath and claws at the strong hand holding.

"Thought you could escape, didn't ya?!" Grimmjow says to the boy, pinning him to the wall with only one hand. "You thought I wouldn't notice you sneaking around in my hallway but I did. You can't fool me that easily."

"What?" Billy squeaks out.

"Where's your pass?"

"I don't have one!" Billy manages to say, wiggling around in the hand while trying to get some air.

"Well thats just to bad, lets hope Lord Aizen takes pity on your soul."

Billy is marched to the place he was heading anyways. Idly he wonders what kind of janitor refers to the principal as 'Lord'.

He is shoved into the office.

"Caught him trying to sneak through the halls without a pass." Grimmjow says while pushing the boy against Aizen's desk.

"Thank you Grimmy, that will do." Aizen says waving the Espada out the door.

For a moment Billy and Aizen stare at each other.

"Go back to class, kid."

The rest of history is spent listening to the teacher drone on about how the west was really won by ninjas with laser guns riding elephants. Billy is glad when the bell for third period rings. Next class. Professor...Stark? Stalk? No, it said only Stark as this guy's name. Weird.

The long haired man leans against the podium looking like he missed way to many Z's last night. A small girl around their age but wearing next to nothing stands beside him with hand on her hip grinning. Several students blushed at the girl's lack of modesty. She grimaces at their looks of disapproval.

"Eh? Whatch yew lookin at, ugly?" She says in particular to your protagonist Billy. He shakes his head and bites his lip in fear.

"N-nothing, mam."

"That's what I thought!"

Professor Stark starts writing numbers on the board but is soon scratching his head in confusion. "Four plus three is....three." He writes the answer down and several students begin to snicker.

Lilynette now picks up a cup of pens from Stark's desk and chunks it at the children.

"I personally behead the next person to snicker! Now take out you papers and write this down!"

The class scramble to obey.

Stark, poor poor Stark still struggles with the problems. Apparently noone ever taught him how to use basic math. Stark finally sets the board marker down and stalking over to his desk to take a nap. Lilynette takes over assigning random pages from the text book as homework. A kid raises their hand to ask a question but receives a pencil shoved through her eye courteously of Lilynette. After that noone in the room dared breath.

Bell rings once more. Children trip over each other running as fast as they can from the math class room. Its lunch time. Billy starts towards the cafeteria but is stopped by the blue haired janitor, Grimmjow.

"Where do you think YOU goin?" The espada drawls. Billy shrinks back, clutching his lunch box tight.

"L-lunch, sir."

"Eh? What you got to eat?" In a flash the lunch box is in Grimmjow's hands and the Espada is rummaging through it like a cat with a new paper sac.

"A juice box." The sexta says then opens the juice and takes a long drink of it. "Mmm..Grape."

Billy watches in horror as Janitor Grimmjow next decides to open up his yogurt and pour the contents into his mouth whilst making 'yummy noises'. The rest of Billy's lunch is devoured in a similar fashion with the empty lunch box handed back to him when the contents have all been eaten.

"Good lunch kid, but tomorrow ask your mom to pack more Cheetoes and milk." And with a belch the janitor saunters off.

Billy groans and gets in the lunch line. He doesn't like the food here but doesn't want to skip lunch today. As his tray slides along the metal path he is all to quickly before the lunch lady who waits for him to pick his poison-er I mean food. Billy blinks at the lunch lady.

"What you want, hun?" The lunch lady is none other then Aaroniero with a crappy old lady wig onto of his masked head, some blush on the mask, and a stained uniform. He ladels a gooey gel-like brown liquid onto a plate and hands it to Billy. An eye ball floats in the mud brown goo along with some stringy looking things. The boy just stares down at the plate with pure fear mixed with disgust, the looks back up at Aaroniero.

"You got a problem with what I -oops!" The lunch lady's wig has slipped off her bald head and fallen into the cooking pot. She scoops it out, sakes it off then puts the wet wig back on her head. Disgusted beyond belief Billy decides that skipping lunch is not such a bad idea.

Fourth period is Health with professor Barragan. Seats taken, bell rings. A portly elderly man waddles in as if he owned the world.

"Firs things first students..You will address me as His Majesty. No talking. Ever. If you are difficult the I will have my assistant Charlotte deal with you." He says. The mentioned Charlotte was not in the room at the moment and several boys snickered.

"How mean can an assistant named Charlotte be ?" The whispered and poked each other in their sides.

"Uh 'you majesty' with all due respect...You can lick my balls." One of the boys says and his friends all hi-five each other.

Barragan sighs. Behind the class the door opens but only Billy turns to look. Standing there is an appallingly muscled man wearing...some sort of tutu. The boys continue laughing and joking and do not seem to notice as the drag queen is suddenly behind them.

Barragan looks at the queen and puts his hands on his hips.

"Charlotte Cuuhlhourne, would you be so kind as to discipline these delinquents?" Barragan asks. Charlotte grins ear to ear and puts one large hand on the shoulder of the boy.

"Gladly, your majesty."

That was the last Billy ever say of that boy and his friends...

Next period is shop class with Miss T. Hallibel. Billy is injured in the first five minuets with a drill bit through his thumb. He is sent to the nurses office but must wait outside as the apparent nurse is out doing something. As he sits clutching his bleeding thump with a puddle of crimson quickly forming on the floor he cannot help but wonder where his life went wrong.

Suddenly Gin appears from around th corner now wearing a nurses hat and a nurses dress. He looks incredibly evil.

"Time to play doctor!" He says while holding up a syringe filled with yellow liquid.

Billy screams and falls out of the chair, trying to get away from the shot happy nurse.

"I just remembered I uh..left my stuff back in home-room!" Billy lies and tries to run off but Gin flash steps in front of him and pulls him into the nurses office.

"Oh God! I don't wanna die!" The human screams as he his pulled in the small room.

Billy is forced to allow the shinigami to doctor his wound. All the while Gin hums the song "Still Alive" from Portal. When he is done he steps back to admire his work.

"There all done!"

Needless to say the human did not need any prompting to leave that office asap.

Next class is Drama with Ulquiorra. Shifting his backpack Billy walks into the auditorium. A pale skinned and green eyed man stands on the stage with an orang haired girl beside him. The students take seats in the audience.

They wait for Professor Ulquiorra to speak. Silence. They wait some more. Ulquiorra stares back at them unmoving. Fifteen minuets pass and someone is brave enough to speak but a sudden blast of green cero blows the student to smithereens. The green eyes of the espada rove over the terrified children.

"You are all trash." He says then turns and walks back stage, leaving his human assistant lone in the spotlight. Orihime whimpers and follows after him like a puppy. There is whispering from back stage followed by a loud crash followed by yet more whispering. Moments later both Ulquiorra and Orihime walks back on stage.

"Students...do stuff. Do drama stuff." Ulquiorra orders them with hands in his pockets.

Suddenly a girl raises her hand and starts talking to him. "Are you supposed to be a Mime?"

Ulquiorra stares at the girl.

The girl stares back.

Ulquiorra keeps staring at her.

The girl shifts uncomfortably.

Ulquiorra keeps staring at her.

The girl looks around.

Ulquiorra keeps staring at her.

The girl blushes under the intense gaze of the Espada.

Ulquiorra keeps staring at her.

The girl starts to say something but her head suddenly explodes as green cero blasts through it. Chunks litter the ground and cover Billy, who had the bad luck to sit beside the girl.

Ulquiorra turns to the rest of the students. "I am NOT a mime."

The Espada spent the rest of the class period banging his head against the wall and muttering something about Aizen being a jerk. Orihime spent the time by joining up with the girls in class and forcing the boys to wear makeup and pretty dresses from the costume closet.

Wiping the Firetruck Red lipstick off his face Billy runs out of there as soon as the bell rings, so glad to at last be able to wash the glitter from his skin. He runs towards the gym, last class of the day, like a prisoner who has just broken free runs from prison. Its just PE, how hard could that be?

---

"Listen up you little maggots!" A sadistic Nnoitra addressees his motley class.

"You will do as I say when I say it, do I make myself clear?" He yells and the students all gulp in fear. Nnoitra grins at this, his black hair swinging around. Boy did he look weird in his workout shorts and blue tank-top.

"Now you there! Piggy! Go climb that rope!"

"Yes, master Nnoitra." Tesla steps towards the rope hanging from the ceiling.

"Not you, stupid. I mean HIM!" Nnoitra points one long finger at Billy.

"But you said Pig-"

"I know what I said, Tesla! I only call you that when were alone!"

Tesla looks dejected and walks off to go sit in a corner by himself.

Billy grasps the rope and looks up at the ceiling with fear. GULP! He forces himself half way up it and is starting to slow down when he notices smoke coming from the bottom of the rope.

Glancing down he wishes he didn't just look. Nnoitra had lit the bottom of it on fire and was laughing as poor Billy tries to climb faster then the flames. He doesn't get far. With a cry he lets go and falls to the floor with a "WHUMP!".

Coach Nnoitra is not happy about this and makes him run ten laps around the gym. By the time the bell to go home rings Billy has never felt so good to be out of school.

____

Bursting into his house he looks like a war veteran, bruised, bloody, and sweaty.

"Mom can I be home schooled from now on?"


	7. The Oreo Factory Fiasco

Okay this job was suggest by ScrappyCocoa that the Espada (and Aizen) work at an Oreo cookie factory. This was written in tag-team with my boyfriend. I apologize ahead to time to any David Schwimmer fans out there. So thank you ScrappyCocoa for the wonderful suggestion and please keep your ideas rolling in. Who knows, we might just use your idea in an upcoming chapter!

Much love~

RabidSheep

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Nnoitra sits more bored then a toddler in a David Schwimmer movie. Rubber gloves adorn his hand yet his unnaturally long fingers look awkward inside of them as he sits idly watching over lines and lines of Oreo cookies going across the line. His one good eye glances down at the moving sea of black and white that shuffles on towards the packaging center.

"So...bored..." He mutters then yawns.

WHHHUUUURRRRRRR. The machine beside him suddenly groans as if something large is being shoved through it. That is about the time when out of the machine rides Ulquiorra sitting on the conveyer belt with legs crossed Indian style. He is eating one of the cookies and looking around very lost as he slowly rides past Nnoitra.

Nnoitra takes the cookie from Ulquiorra and lightly taps him on the head with a nearby metal chair so that he'll learn next time.

"Those cookies are for the customers!" the angered Nnoitra hissed before eating the cookie himself.

Ulquiorra, sulking, lifts himself from the conveyer belt and helps himself to a nearby corner where he can mourn the loss of his friend. "But...I brought that from home."

Suddenly, the double doors of the factory open and standing before them is none other than Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez like a king returning to his kingdom.

He is a grand sight with his hair waving in the wind and blazing white light illuminating him from behind and shining right through his hollow hole. A feral grin is on his face as he looks to the factor...and he's naked.

Nnotria groans and rubs his eyes with his fore finger and thumb. Why cant they just be normal for once?

"WHO STOLE MY CLOTHES!?!" Grimmjow roars whilst charging bright cero in his right hand.

"Are you serious?" Nnotria asks the sexta.

"I WENT TO TAKE A SHOWER AND WHEN I GOT OUT THERE WERE GONE! WAS IT YOU?!" Grimmjow growls to the one eyed Espada.

"Maybe one of your fraccion took them to get washed, stupid. Don't you have another pair of clothing to wear?"

"NO! IM NOT A GIRL SO I DON'T KEEP A CLOSET FULL OF CLOTHING!"

"Okay your nudity is starting to disgust me. Why don't you just go back to Los Noches and ask that Granz fraccion of yours if he is washing your clothes?"

"GRANZ? SZAYEL STOLE MY CLOTHES?! THAT LITTLE FROG!"

"No his brother, Ilforte- " But it was to late. Grimmjow races to the nearest work phone and dials Szayels cell number.

The line picks up and there is a muffled sound. The eighth must have been caught sleeping.

"Mmmhh-Hello?"

"GIMMIE BACK MY CLOTHES!!"

The voice on the other end sounds shocked. "Who is this?

Dropping the phone, Grimmjow races over to Nnoitra, who had taken to threatening Ulquiorra to bring him more cookies for tomorrow. "Hey. Hey. .

Can I see your phone?" The 5th Espada takes his eye off Ulquiorra and looked towards the nude man in confusion. "Eh? Y-yeah. What do you need it for?"

Before he could answer, Grimmjow was off, cellphone in hand. Now, needless to say, it's usually not a good idea to give a cellphone of any kind to Grimmjow.

A camera phone? That's even worse. Taking a picture of his junk and sending it to Granz, he raced back to the work phone, panting. "I'-I'm back...whew-" was all

he could muster. The response that followed Grimmjow's return was of absolute horror and disbelief. Snickering to himself as he hung up the phone, Grimmjow

surely thought that now noone would ever steal his clothes.

Suddenly, a door in the distance could be heard closing. Uh-oh... He forgot that today was the day that school was supposed to tour the factory. Heading the

tour was none other than Aizen. If he was caught, this would surely be the end for him. He had to act fast. Aha! It didn't take long for him to see Ulquiorra

standing by himself, now crying. "What's wrong, Ulquiorra?", Grimmjow questioned, feigning interest. "N-n-n-noitra s-said I have to bring him cookies every dayor he'll give me w-wedgies."

Grimmjow, touching the sobbing emo man-child on the shoulder ensured him that he would bring cookies for him everyday. Well, there

was a price, of course.

"Just give me your clothes for today and I promise I'll help you."

Ulquiorra happily complied. Walking the corner, the now stark naked he was met with awkward glares and snickering. "ULQUIORRA! HOW COULD YOU!", Aizen screamed. "Why can't you set a better example for these children and be more like Grimmjow? You're fired!" "Awww...man."

Aizen shoots the fired forth a mean look then continues the tour, which by now has lost a few children that ran off in fear when they first sighted the naked man.

Grimmjow, Nnoitra, and Ulquiorra stare at each other in silence then suddenly Grimmjow throws back his head and laughs. His mask splits in two pieces to laugh along with his jaw.

"Ulquiorra you're a dumb puck." The sexta roars.

The accused glares back with deep green eyes simmering in what might have been anger.

With no warning of any sort a fist full of Oreo cookies explodes in Grimmjows face, stopping his laughter immediately.

"Oh hell no. You did not just do that." He says then shoves Ulquiorra into the nearest piece of equipment, the machine is smashed beyond repair but Ulquiorra is unharmed.

"What the freak, Grimmjow!" Nnoitra shouts looking at the damaged machine. Apparently it is the same machine that makes the conveyor belt move and with it now standing still the cookies begin to pile up and fall off the sides onto the floor.

As surprising as it may seem Nnoitra has no plans to get fired just yet so he goes to the belt and starts trying to slide the cookies along their path with his hands. At first it works but soon the Oreo's come to quickly and he is scrambling to get them along.

"How is there so many fudgin cookies?!" He exclaims. "Ulquiorra, get your white butt over here and help me!"

Ulquiorra complies but he is suddenly tackled by an enraged Grimmjow. The two start wrestling on the floor with Grimmjow on top trying repeatedly to punch Ulquiorra's face. Cookie crumbs everywhere.

Things soon get out of hand as Ulquiorra insistently screams that Grimmjow keeps touching his tickle spot. That's enough for Grimmjow to back away from the fight

and wash his hands, but it was too little, too late. Aizen has returned; this time without the children. "Grimmjow! We *just* had a meeting last week about appropriate

inner-office behavior. Is touching someone's tickle spot a no-no?" Grimmjow mumbled and turned his head away. It was obvious he was embarrassed. Putting his hand

through the Sexta Espada's hollow hole, he looked him in the eye and repeated himself. "Is touching someone's tickle-spot a no-no?!" The now violated Grimmjow began to sob. "Y-yes."

Suddenly, a few of the touring children rush into the room, screaming. "Mister, mister! Billy got trapped in the oreo machine! We need help!" Before he could

answer, Aizen pondered to himself. "Help? Or the new oreo flavor we've been waiting for?"

The children stare at Aizen in horror. Aizen stares back with that creepy half-smile of his and hands in his pockets. The children start to scream and run out but they lose enthusiasm less then halfway to the door so that their screams of terror die down to mummers of discontent. Their fear induced run slowing to a walk, some even pulling out their cell phones. It seems Billy was not a very well liked child.

_______________________________________

In a random home on a random day a random television is flipped on. The announcers voice is the voice of a very excited Grimmjow.

"HEY KIDS! ARE YOU SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR NORMAL OREOS TASTING LIKE SHI-"

"Grimmjow, you cant cuss on cable TV!" Ulquiorra's voice pipes in from off screen and the camera angel shifts. Apparently Ulquiorra is the one holding the camera.

"Hey everyone in tvland! I helped make them and they taste good because I made them and they taste good because I helped-"

Ulquiorra is cut off by Nnoitra who is screaming from off camera.

"AIZEN? AIZEN? AM I STILL VIOLATING THE RESTRAINING ORDER IF I GET ON CAMERA AND EAT A COOKIE?"

As if things weren't loud enough, Aizen decides to yell as well. "YEAH! YOU CAN GET NEAR THE CAMERA! YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING

TO THE CAMERA!"

Nnoitra snickers and walks up to the cameraman. "Hey. Ulquiorra. Where're my oreos?"

"I don't-" Wrong answer.

Before he can finish his sentence, Nnoitra's hand is on his nipple, twisting it ever so slowly. "Quick, name as many cookies as you can!"

Ulquiorra tries to resist but it is futile. "I don't like this game!" It is then that the screen blacks out and the commercial ends.

The father of the mourning family turns the television off and goes to the plate of cookies. "Harold-", his wife insists. "how could you...so shortly after Billy-"

Removing the two ends of the cookie and exposing the red cream, he answers, heartbroken. "It's what he would've wanted."


	8. Yammy Belongs With The Monkeys

This next chapter was a suggestion from the user ShadowxKitty for them to work at a Zoo. The second half is written by my BF. I tried clowns but Aizen threatened to kill me if I came near him with a tiny car and Gin refused to wear any make up. Barragan would not let us do Divorce lawyers because of 'personal' reasons. *sigh* Anyways here is the Zoo chapter.

Ye be warned; this contains several D'aaawww moments.

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"Welcome to the Dallas Texas State Zoo!" The sign proudly yells as crowds of humans walk through the iron gates into the place where animals are one display. The smell of animal feces is ripe in the humid air of Texas. Its around midday and the animals are beginning to get noisy while awaiting their food, not to mention the monkeys have started throwing odd brown mush are people walking past their enclosures.

Aizen locks his office door and steps out into the chaos; he knows he will have his world cutout for him today. He is dressed in a typical zoo managers uniform but also wears a safari hat strapped down to block out the hot summer sun from his sexy eyes. The shinigami traitor silently wishes to be back in the cold chill of Los Noches where even the artificial sunlight held no warmth.

Now to check on his workers and their assigned animals.

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"Hey, Rukia! Wait up!"

Ichigo trots after the black haired girl through the crowd.

"ICHIGO LETS GO SEE THE MONKEYS!" She says taking after a sign labeled "Monkeys and Great Apes"

The orang haired shinigami groans but follows after her. He elbows his way throguh the flock of tourists crowded around the gorilla pen snapping pictures like crazy. Rukia leans against the railing and stares in the pen with disbelief all over her face. The same look comes over Ichigo's face s he looks in, aswell.

"Is that Arrancar guy...Yammy?"Icihgo asks her.

"He's eating a banana and sitting beside that gorilla as if they are family."

"They look enough alike to be."

"Ichigo this is getting creepy. Should we go in there and stop him?" Rukia gets out a piece of soul candy and prepares to pop it in her mouth but Ichigo's hand over hers, making her stop.

"Just leave it. Just...no."

Yammy scratches his butt then sniffs his finger. A very disgusted look comes over his face as if he had expected his finger to smell like a bed of roses after its southern explorations.

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Ulquiorra was ordered to take care of this squat little black and white birds they called ...penguins. The birds have a pretty little enclosure with a pool and tons of other penguins to chill with, not to mention a whole pane of glass separating them from the humans. Setting his bucket of bird dung down he looks about the newly cleaned enclosure with a feeling that could have been pride, should he be able to feel such emotions.

A small round thing presses against his sandaled foot causing the merciless Espada to glance down. Deep green eyes reflecting the image of a young fluffy penguin sitting comfortably on his foot and staring up at him with big round eyes. The bird is young, not having lost his baby fluffy yet. For a tense moment he stares at the creature who DARES sit on top of his foot and look up into his face with such fuzzy contempt. How dare he! Ulquiorra points a finger down at the creature and starts charging his cero to blow it away, surely that will show the fluffy trash not to stand on an Arrancar's foot. And he will serve as an example to all the other Penguins.

"Peep!" The fuzzy ball says, looking up at him with watery black eyes.

"What did you just say?"

"Peep."

Ulquiorra stops charging his cero.

"Are you peeping at me?"

The chick nuzzles Ulquiorra's leg then settles down on the foot the way baby penguins do on their father penguin's feet. Its makes a contented 'cooing' sound.

"Get off me."

He wiggles his foot but the baby bird remains glued on the spot. Vaguely he recalls being told one of the penguin chicks was orphaned by its parents and to make sure it was getting enough food. This must be it.

"I command you to get off my foot!"

The chick looked like it was sleeping now. Leaning forwards he takes the fluffy ball in his hands and carefully puts it on a nearby rock, the Espada is surprised at how soft its feathers are. Nothing had ever felt so dang soft. Curse that soft little fiend! He sneaks over to the door out of the enclosure but finds he has accidently locked himself inside it, that or Grimmjow sauntered after he walked in then locked the fourth inside after the door shut. Sighing he turns away from the door and resolves to wait for someone to notice he is missing and come let him out.

The penguins cluster away from the hollow on the opposite of the cage as he sits down with his back pressed against a fake rock. He glances over at the flock of black and white to see a commotion going on, then a small fluffy creature pokes out from the mass and starts waddling towards him.

"Peep?"

"Get away from me, trash."

The fluffy chick looks up at him and ruffles its feathers, black eyes reflecting his face in their debts. Before Ulquiorra knows it the chick is on his lap and snuggling against his Espada uniform.

"I command you to get off me, trash!"

"Peep." The baby chirps in agreement.

"I will destroy you!"

The fuzzy chick nibbles Ulquiorra's sleeves with its tiny beak, playfully pulling on the clothing. Soon other penguins gather round the giant 'penguin' to sits reluctantly stroking the fluffy chick and hoping noone sees him with the small creature. It appears he has been accepted as one of them.

_____________________________________________________________________________

In the giraffe cage a commotion is raging.

"Oh my gawd! Push it back in, Stark!" Hallibel screams.

- Now let me stop you right here, this is not anyway like what you are thinking it is like so just get those nasty thoughts out of your head. You sick puppy. XD -

Stark stands pacing the floor of a hay littered stall as a mother giraffe gives birth.

"I can't just push it back in! Babies don't work like that! Oh god, what do we do?!"

Hallibel stands outside the stall, not wanting to get close to the chaos happening inside, that's Stark's job.

"Get your booty in here, second! I am not birthing this baby alone!" He orders her, usually snappy because of the chaos. Hallibel crosses her arms and shakes her head from side to side, blonde hairs waving as she does so.

"Nu uh. I aint goin there."

"I am high ranked then you and I order you to get your butt in here!"

"Fine. But I am only doing it because I want to, not because your yelled at me."

"You...woman..."

She walks in and stands behind him, watching the poor mother struggle with the birthing. It seems on of the baby's legs was folded the wrong way. The giraffe snorts and sweat coats its fur with the strain.

"The calf's leg is bent wrong, its stuck inside of her." Hallibel says, spotting the problem from her closer view of the scene.

"How you know that?"

"I did some research before coming here, Stark." She remarks, moving to the beast and standing behind it.

"Now take her halter and hold her head still so she doesn't thrash around." She orders the primera who obeys without anymore questions.

____________________________________________________

"Grimmjow, what are you doing?" Aizen looks in at where his Espada lies next to the female panther in her cage.

"Leave me and my wife alone!"

"You married the panther?"

"Yes! Now leave us alone, this is our honeymoon."

Grimmjow has his arm wrapped around the thick neck of the big cat. The female panther acts like she doesn't care and goes back to sleep.

"Go back to sleep, hunny, and ignore him." The sexta cooes to her.

"Grimmjow where is the male panther who was located in here?"

"I killed him."

"You killed him?!"

"He was eyeing my lady."

"You do understand that he was her mate and it will cost gazillions of dollars to purchase a new male panther for our zoo, right?

".....yeah." And by that he meant 'no'.

"Tell me you at least properly disposed of the body."

Grimmjow stares back silently at Aizen.

"...What did you do with the body?"

"I ate it."

"...oh."

For a moment warm brown eyes stare into feral teal ones. Then Aizen raises up his hands.

"Way of binding number 23, Muzzle and Body."

Grimmjow yelps as he is rendered immobile by demon magic pinning his arms and legs together. Aizen takes the sexta by his clothing collar and 'frees' him from the cage, dragging him to the Giraffe.

The doors bursts open to reveal Hallibel and Stark covered in slime but both wearing looks of accomplishment on their faces. Nearby a mother Giraffe licks her newborn calf that could not have come into the world without the help of the Espada to aid the birthing process. The first and second Espada both look drained.

"Atleast nothing crazy happened with you two." Aizen comments to them. Hallibel and Stark exchange a shared look but say nothing.

They pick up Yammy from the monkey cage and finally go to the Penguin enclosure to see what was keeping the fourth.

When they unlock the door they see Ulquiorra sleeping in one corner with at least a dozen penguins piled in his lap. The penguins all are sound asleep, as well, with one particular fuzz ball snoring loudly on top of the pile.

__________________________________________________

Later in Los Noches Ulquiorra walks into his room and sets his backpack on his bed. Looking around he makes sure noone is spying on him, the slowly he opens it. A small and very fluffy head pokes out of the pack.

"Peep?"

"Shhh...."

_______________________________________________________

For the record they got fired for not filling out some paper work correctly.

_________________________________________________________

"Good timing. Right when the previews are starting!" Matt shouted, clearly excited that his Espada friends decided to bring him along. Flopping into

his seat, he steadied his feet on the back of the seat in front of him and reached towards the huge bucket of popcorn in Nnoitra's lap, entirely unaware

of the presence of the man occupying the spot ahead; one Ulquiorra Schifer. Sighing to himself, Ulquiorra thought it best to keep his composure rather than

let this hooligan ruin his moviegoing experience.

"In a world...", the preview recited, "...where animals rule over the land...there is one cow who will

rise up and keep his spot in the barn...and to save all that he loves."

The three moviegoing friends, Matt, Grimmjow, and Nnoitra laughed hysterically in

unison. Matt kicked Ulquiorra's chair, clearly unable to retain himself. "P-pardon me-", Ulquiorra cheepishly squeaked, turning around to face the assailant.

Matt seemed unable to see him and continued to laugh and kick away at the chair.

"I FUCKING LOVE PREVIEWS!" Nnoitra clamored.

"Excuse me," said Ulquiorra,

again turning around to try to find some common ground "that isn't exactly proper theater behavior..."

This time he wasn't ignored. Nnoitra leaned in towards

Grimmjow and whispered into his ear a little too loudly.

"Dude...I think that chick is totally coming onto me."

"Eh," Grimmjow quipped, "I bet she has small boobs."

No longer able to contain himself, Ulquiorra stood up and shouted:

"I do NOT have boobs! We take showers together all the time. We live in the same place for Aizen's sake!"

Momentary silence, followed by Nnoitra once again turning to Grimmjow.

"You didn't tell me you two hooked up. Nice!" They then

proceeded to do manly things such as bump fists and rub each other's chest hairs. Ulquiorra stood there, fuming, contemplating whether or not to sit back down in this seat or move somewhere else.

"Sit down or take off your top!" Matt managed to say through a mouthful of popcorn. "Oh heavens me-" the 4th Espada

exclaimed before taking his seat, being sure to cover himself.

In no time at all the lights dimmed and the theater grew quiet. Matt turned to Nnoitra and whispered who then turned to Grimmjow, whispering the same

thing.

"No way-" said Grimmjow. "there's really some loser who came here by himself?"

Ulquiorra, hearing this, snickered to himself and wondered who would

be sad enough to do such a thing. Wait a minute...they were talking about him! But...there was nothing he could do. Sooner or later they would grow tired

of such childish antics and-crunch crunch. What was this? They had taken to assaulting him with salted kernels. Snicker snicker, the group chimed. Snicker

snicker. Grrrrr. Pulling out his cellphone that he bought thanks to his plethora of jobs working with Aizen and the other Espada, Ulquiorra attempted to

phone the theater security to warn them of the mischief makers.

"OH! C'MON!" The three joined in unison. "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!"

Hearing the shouting

and seeing the popcorn throwing of discontent, an usher walked in to see wherein lied the problem.

"What seems to be the problem, gentlemen?"

Without hesitation, the three of them all pointed to the 4th Espada accusingly. Matt was crying as he spoke in to tell the story.

"This guy has been

mumbling things about me under his breath throughout the entire movie and how he wants to touch my tickle spots."

Eyebrow raised, the usher looked to Nnoitra and Grimmjow.

"Is this true?"

"Oh yeah-" Grimmjow said, wide-eyed and fearful. "Why, just not even five minutes ago he tried to get me and my friend, Nnoitra, in a threesome."

The usher rushed to the accused. "You're one sick tard, you know that? Come with me." Escorting Ulquiorra out of the theater,

the usher was soon blasted by a surprise cero attack. Before leaving the theater, he turned to Grimmjow and Nnoitra. "I'm telling Aizen!"

Staring at each other with horror in their eyes, Nnoitra and Grimmjow soon began the chase after Ulquiorra, leaving Matt alone in the theater. "Aw, man.",

he said, saddened. "we're already out of popcorn."


	9. So swimming naked is BAD?

Another tag-team writing with me and my BF. We were chillin in a park with a bunch of little kids and this one five year old boy kept flirting with me and showing off on the monkey bars. It was then that me and my BF started talking about how funny it would be for the Espada to work at a public pool. Thus this chapter was born. This is told mostly from Hallibels POV.

Stay sexy,

RabidSheep

_______________________________________________

The scent of chlorine lingers up from the glittering waters that shimmer with diamonds of sunlight that dance with the waves caused by laughing children. The water is a clear-blue color as clean as crystal and refreshingly cool. The hot summer sun glares above forcing the humans in the pool area to seek shelter either in the cool liquid or in the shade of nearby trees. They are living up the last days of summer before school starts and the world cools as it moves away from the sun.

I sit on my lifeguard chair resting my chin on my hand. I feel sweat trickle down my back despite the white bikini I wear. Idly I stare at the children splashing and playing while wondering why Aizen-sama felt the need to torture me like this; such cruel punishment. I would have gladly agreed to been flogged and beaten instead of this. Somewhere a bugs hums loudly from the bushes seeming to give voice to the oppressive heat that surrounds me. Even the wind that blows thought my hair is hot as blood temperature, doing nothing to cool me off from the burning light.

I hear particularly loud splash and glance down to see Nnoitra having done a cannonball in the deep end of the pool. For some reason the idiot had decided he would look terribly cool by wearing the spoon-back of his outfit with his bared torso and red swim trunks. I roll my eyes. He had been trying to showoff to me all day, and still I am unimpressed with his childish antics. His little blonde fraccion paces the waters edge looking concerned for his master's safety.

"Nnoitra-sama! Are you alright?"

"Shut up, bitch, you know I am!"

I had to admit Tesla looked rather cute in his green swim trunks with his concern for that idiot. If he didn't have the eye patch or hollowmask he could actually pass as a normal human. Aizen-sama as usual gave us special pills to swallow that make out bodies visible to humans, in 12 hours even if I stayed in the human world noone would be able to see me unless I took another pill.

"Hey, hey, hey Hallibel! Look what I can do!"

Nnoitra was out of the pool and now diving off the board into the waters, his long body making him look like some sort of deathly pale sea snake underneath the rippling water. He tosses his black hair back as his head breeches the surface and grins over at me to see if I was watching him. I am busy watching children play in the shallow end. I hear a splash as poor Tesla is pulled into the water and harassed by his master.

"Nnoitra-sama, I cant breath when you dunk my head under the water!"

Meanwhile a certain emo sits in the back of the snack shack sucking on a banana flavored popsicle. What I would give to have that job instead. I wondered if he had ever even been in direct contact with the sun. He was so pale I'm sure he made Gwyneth

Paltrow jealous on more than one occasion. Ulquiorra was close to finishing the 'sicle and I began to feel bored. Right when I was about to turn away and

look back at the pool, Grimmjow came out of nowhere and started to harass the boy. "Hey, Ulquiorra...", I recall him saying. "do you like gumballs?"

Ulquiorra stopped his sucking and glared at the jiggling bag of balls in Grimmjow's hand. "I. Love. Gumballs."

That was about the time Grimmy began to handfeed them to Ulquey. I couldn't decide if what I was witnessing was sweet or deeply disturbing. Regardless, it

still sent a shiver down my spine and I shuddered and looked away.

Oh, if only I hadn't...

"Hey, like what you see?" That was Barragan. I turned around just in time to meet his gaze as he applied baby oil over his body.

I stares at him wishing my eyes would burn right out of their sockets or that I would becomes as blind as Tosen.

"Mmmm...oohh yeeaaahhh..." The elderly man slathers the oil over his hairy belly while making eye contact with me as I sit up on my lifegaurd chair.

"Barragan your chair is on the other side of the pool. Please go to it." He looks at me then 'hrumphs ' and walks to his lifeiguard perch opposite mine across the water. I breath a sigh of releif.

Thank Aizen he left. I was bout to vomit from that sight. Why did all the men here have to be so dang weird when it came to women? Will that pink haired guy wasn't so bad but I had a feeling he was gay. I mean pink hair? Not even I would wear something so feminine and I am a girl!

Glancing back to the snack shack I see Grimmjow still harassing the fourth they way a jealous older brother harasses his younger sibling.

"Look at your big green eyes! I bet you gay! I bet if I kissed you then you would like it!"

Ulquiorra squirms away from the hand on his shirt collar.

"If you try to make out with me then I will start making animal noises, so people think you are making out with an animal!"

Grimmjow laughs at this brave statement.

"When they see your face they will think that, anyways!"

I look away. Typical they were slacking on the job when everyone else was supposed to be working to bring in money for Aizen-sama. I feel the heat of the day becoming oppressive and the cool waters below beckon me like a waiting lover. Putting the whistle to my lips I blow it signaling adult swim time. The kids groan and climb out looking quite upset at having to get out.

I stand then do a swan dive into the pool, letting the water wrap its cool embrace around my body and shut all sound off as if I were in an underwater tomb. It was so peaceful underwater. I loved it, I lived for it. Being in a desert world was cruel to someone such as I who lived for the freedom swimming could bring. I glide along the bottom of the pool holding my breath for far longer then any human could hope to, before coming up for air.

Nnoitra turns to Tesla and elbows the blonde in his rib cage.

"Hey, check this out. I am totally going to get Hallibel to make out with me." He says then jumps into the deep end and begins thrashing about in the water.

"Oh! O no! Im drowning!" He cries while splashing around and looking to me for help.

Tesla paces the edge of the water wondering what to do and looking so terribly concerned.

I ignore the idiot and backstroke through the water. If Nnoitra expected me to save his skinny butt then he had better think again...however I know Aizen-sama would be very angry if he learned I just let the fifth drown.

I turn my head to see Nnoitra's body sink unconscious under the water and down to the bottom of the pool with one arm still raised as if begging for help. I growl in irritation. 'Why me?'

_____________________________________________________________

It was the perfect plan. I faked a drowning and Hallibel gives me the mouth to mouth to bring me back to 'life'. I just hoped stupid Tesla didn't try to jump in and save me. No he wasn't that stupid, he knew me enough to know what I was plotting a sexy plot of sexiness. I had gulped in a few lung-fulls of water to force my body to do blank to add to the realism of my drowning. Hallibel would HAVE to save me, and then I would give her a kiss she would never forget.

I felt warm air on my skin as I began to wake up. A warm mouth pressed against mine forcing breaths of oxygen into me and soft hands manipulating my chest. 'Oh this girl turns me on!' I faintly grin and as the lips press again to my mouth I slip my tattooed tongue past them and over her tongue to taste the girl's dark cavern. I feel the mouth widen in surprise and start to pull away but I put my hands on the back of her head and pull her close so as to deepen my tongues penetration. I lick the inside of her teeth to savor her delicious flavor.

My fingers run through her short hair and I feel her say something to me through our connected mouths. I didn't care. This make out session is just to hot to stop now! I always knew this bitch liked me! I noticed things about her like how she smelled of baby oil. How warm she was next to me. How her mouth tasted like minty denture creme.....Wait....denture creme?

I snap my eye open.

"Barragan, WHAT THE HELL!?!"

_________________________________________________________________

I laugh loudly while holding my sides as Nnoitra discovers it is Barragan who had saved him and not I.

Barragan sits back and wipes his mouth on his wrist.

"I must say that is the strangest reviving of a drowning victim I have ever done." He grumbles.

Nnoitra turns his head away with one hand over his mouth and looks as if he is about to vomit all over the cement.

A loud commotion erupted from near the kiddy pools. Oh no...why did I take my eyes off of Ulquiorra and Grimmjow? I swam as fast as I

could to the edge of the pool to let myself out but it was too late; the damage had already been imprinted in the minds of the children and horrified mothers. What could those bumbling nincompoops have possibly done this time? The screaming group of people ran from the kiddy pools, so I did the opposite.

As I ran, I could make out the two of them sitting in the pool. It wasn't as bad as I thought.

"Get out of there, you two, so we can go home. For a second I thought you guys were gonna do something stupid that would cause us to be fired agai-"

I had to stop myself mid-sentence as they excused themselves from the pool. It appeared they had lost their clothes somewhere between the candy stand and here. What I saw was lackluster, to say the least.

"It was cold!" both shouted.

"Y'know what...I don't even wanna know." And it was the truth.

We were almost there. We were ALMOST out of the gate and finished with our first full day at a job when I saw the manager of the pool waiting for us, arms

folded. I waved to him as I opened the rusted gate. "Yeah, yeah. I know..."


	10. Breakfast At Aizen's

Okay this was supposed to be posted at top of the last chapter but idiot me forgot to post it so now I am posting it here. Before going to work Aizen-sama believes in having a nice breakfast and wants his beloved espada to have the same. And if some of this seems rather weird its because I have been reading to much Bleach yaoi....

Stay sexy,

RabidSheep

_____________________________________________

They gather around the rectangle table. Aizen had commanded them to get up early and share breakfast before heading out to the day's job.

Ulquiorra sits looking forlornly into a bowl of cereal. Like all of the Espada present there was a bowl of brightly colored cereal placed before him by a serving arrancar. There are also mugs of coffee set before them. He feels dead inside.

"Its to freaking early for this bullcrap." Grimmjow mutters from directly across the table. He picks up his spoon then gets a bit of cereal in it. Sticking out his tongue he tastes it, then deciding he rather likes the taste of milk he takes his bowl and begins drinking all the milk from it.

Aizen strides in fully dressed and holding a mug of steaming tea.

"Good morning, my beloved Espada." He say to them but receives a mumbling of replies.

He looks where Ulquiorra sits staring at his bowl.

"Try some of your cereal, Ulquiorra. I believe humans call it...Trix."

"Forgive me Aizen-sama but I cannot force myself to ingest such trash."

This irks Aizen. He shoves Ulquiorra's face into the bowl, splashing milk and colored bits everywhere.

"Shhhh don't struggle...just eat your cereal..." He cooes to the forth. Eventually the espada gives up struggling and makes yummy sounds.

"Mmm its delicious, Im eating it and it tastes so..-" Ulquiorra gags. "-Goooooooddd..."

Aizen lets his head up. Clearly the kind of the hollow world is not a morning person.

Zommari across the table starts sliding his bowl towards the edge.

"I see you over there, Zommari..D-don't you dare slide your bowl off!"

The bowl keeps slowly sliding towards the edge with the Espada glaring at Aizen.

"Don't you DARE!"

The bowl falls off the table and lands with a crash on the floor as the glass shatters.

Stark is at the end sleeping with one hand in his cereal bowl while Yammy sits beside him munching on his breakfast. The only one eating.

Halibel sits cross armed and muttering something about this not being on her diet.

Nnoitra, who was sitting beside the well endowed Espada, looked up from his empty bowl that once contained Captain Crunch and ran a bony finger across her

backside until it rested on her buttocks. "I'll tell you when something isn't on your diet. A sexy dame like yourself needs to eat to keep that curvy

figure." Only in hindsight did Nnoitra realize how bad of an idea it was to say such a thing. Without even turning to him, Halibel grabbed Nnoitra's finger

and forcefully pulled it in an opposite direction until it made a stomach-churning 'crunch' noise. "Maybe I will get something to eat...", she thought to

herself and excused herself to the other side of the rectangular table where the best cereal lie waiting.

Mourning the loss of his once intact index finger, it took Nnoitra a good minute or so before he noticed the hulking beast known as Yammy, hovering over him.

"Hey. You gonna eat that?" Yammy asked quite politely, pointing to the 5th Espada's broken finger. "That's my finger, you dumbass!" Nnoitra yelled. Yammy

simply shrugged and had his way with Nnoitra's finger and sat back down in his seat on the other end of the room.

"Yammy..." Aizen sighed, exasperated. "...why in the name of all that is me are you eating one of your comrade's fingers?"

"I thought it was a sausage..."

Noitra has his face twisted in pain as Yammy grudgingly pulls a for out of the abused digit.

"Oi! Your lucky Tesla aint here or else you would be dead by now, Yammy...Or atleast your ankle would have been gnawed on some."

Szayel sits texting on his phone and nibbling on a peice of toast. Suddenly Grimmjow jumps up and takes out his cell from his pocket. He flips it open and stares at the screen in confusion.

"Who is Szayel Aporro Granz and why are they texting me?"

Aaroniero sits bringing his spoon up to his face but it keeps clanking agaisnt the glass of his head-tank, dribbling milk and cereal down his uniform.

He attempts to bring the spoon to one of his mouths but it cannot penetrate the glass. Finnaly he sets his spoon down and stares sadly at his bowl

of waiting cereal he could not eat.

Stark wakes for a brief period, points to both Nnoitra and Aaroniero and laughs, seemingly pleased by both of their misfortunes, and falls back asleep.

"That was weird..." Tousen mumbles to Gin and Aizen. Almost reflexively, Stark retorts back. "Not as weird as..your face."

On the verge of tears, Tousen turns to Aizen. "What's wrong with my face, lord Aizen? He's just messing around, right? Right?" Aizen pats the blind man

on the head and shushes his words. "What did big daddy say about the meanies? You do your thing and they'll go away."

"Gee, thanks, Aizen! I feel loads better!" Aizen pats him on the butt and sends him on his way. "Get on outta here, scamp."

It went without saying that they shared a unique bond.

Things briefly turn to a state of normalcy but it does not last. With everyone surrounding the table, save for Tousen who ran off to Aizen knows where, a

wall in the corner of the room is destroyed by a large cero blast. Walking from the wreckage is a woman clad in green. Nel? What was she doing here?

Soon the room erupts in a rainbow of ceros fired in everydirection as the Espada all try to destroy the woman running around the room. Aizen sighs and hangs his head. It's going to be a long day.


	11. Aizen Is The Ugliest Little Girl

Just crack as usual. Next chapter we will get back to using suggestions from our beloved reviewer. Thank all of you for taking the time of day to be amused by our short stories of crack. Stay sexie

-RabidSheep

________________________________________________________________

In a parking lot two men stand in business suits talking. Their goal is to sell cars but seeing as at the moment it is six freaking AM there are obviously no customers.

Grimmjow turns to Szayel and makes sure Aizen is not looking at them before he speaks.

"All I am saying is that if I was as ugly as him I wouldn't know what to do with myself."

"Oh I would die, I know I would." Szayel says, leaning against a nearby old Toyota with hands in his pants pockets.

"I mean does he look at himself in a mirror before he wakes up?!"

"I bet he tried but the mirror broke."

The both snicker and then throw quick glances to where Aizen stands inside the store talking on the phone.

"You think he can hear us?" The sexta questions.

"Not a chance. Unless he can read lips then there is no way he knows that we are talking about him. "

Inside the store.

"Yes Mister Gonzalas we have many red cars here. Yes they still run. Okay. Okay I look forward to seeing you later today. Goody bye." Aizen sets the receiver down with a soft click. He can see through the large windows that Szayel and Grimmjow are standing in the lot waiting for customers and chatting.

In a room nearby Halibel and her fraccion Mila Rose work cleaning the display car.

"Oh my goodness, did you see how handsome Grimmjow looks in a tie?!" Mila Rose giggles.

"Its nice to see him wearing clothing that is not ripped half to shreds." Halibel agrees.

"To bad about Aizen, tho. If only he wasn't so ugly."

"Don't say that."

"Well don't you think its sad? How he can be so brilliant yet so ugly?"

"He couldn't choose how his face looks."

"I wonder what he slicks his hair back with...looks like he uses cooking grease." Mila rose says but gets a shammy thrown in her face from Halibel's side of the car.

In the back room Stark uses a broken off car mirror to get something out from between his teeth. Gin sits on some crates that should have been unpacked hours ago.

"What you got?"

"I dunno, I thinks its some egg from this morning."

"You can use my zanpaktou if you want something sharp." Gin jokes with that creepy grin plastered on his face.

"Got it!" Stark says, putting the food scrap on a piece of tissue paper.

"Eeww."

"What?"

"That tie color is not working for you, Stark my friend."

"What do you mean? Halibel said green was my color!"

"Have you see what she wears inside the castle? Its all white!"

"Gin, we all wear all white clothing in Las Noches."

Gin pouts for a second but he will not be detoured so easily.

"Come here and switch ties with me."

"Okay."

"Yeah see now blue is much more befitting your eyes."

Stark looks himself over in the mirror again, fitting Gins tie on as he does so.

"I suppose you have a point."

"You look absolutely dashing! Unlike dear Aizen."

"Poor sap. What do you think makes him so ugly?"

"Maybe he was born with it."

"You can be born with the ugly!?!"

"I think you can, I had a friend once who-" Without warning the door burst open to reveal Lord Aizen standing there, he jingles a pair of keys in his hand.

"Can you two come to the front and move some cars around back behind the building?"

"Sure."

"As you wish, Aizen-sama."

Dawn begins painting the clear sky in shades of pastels as the sun makes an appearance in the eastern edge of the horizon. The sunrise is reflected on the dark windows of the cars and the chill of the night begins to die off as warm rays of light penetrate the air. Grimmjow turns towards the light as the golden glow paints his face and the breeze blows through his teal hair. Stark and Gin take some cars around back, the growl of the cars engines fades as they round ebhind the building.

Gin parks his beat up Jeep beside Stark's less then wonderful Lincoln. Costumers were beginning to pull up and drift about the lot. Stark climbs in the back seat of the Lincoln and falls asleep, hoping Aizen would not notice his absence.

Abruptly there is a loud hollering a d whooping coming from the front of the dealership.

"Why now?" Szayel laments while rubbing his eyes. "Why do they have to come now?"

"Who is that?" Grimmjow asks while squinting into the sunlight as about five shiny new cars come revving thier engines and parading into the parking lot.

"Its Ichigo and company from our rival dealership. They sell new cars while we sell used up pieces of junk."

"ICHIGO!?" Grimmjow feels his fingers twitch to rip that orange haired punk to shreds, even tho his zanpaktou is in Aizen's office right now.(there was an incident involving peanut butter and a gerbel) Maybe pinky here would let him borrow his sword.

"Oh no I see that look in your eye. Your not getting Fornicarás!"

Grimjow looks up at him and puts on his best starving-puppy-dog face. The octava is not phased by the display.

"Stop that! You're a grown man and that's creepy."

"Let me borrow your sword! You know Aizen wont let me have mine back after what I did this morning!"

"What DID you do to make him so angry?"

"I smeared peanut butter on Pookie and-"

"Who's Pookie?!"

"My pet gerbel."

"Oh carry on then."

"And then I showed him to Aizen and-"

"Hey! What are you idiots doing?! Kissing?!" Ichigo chants out his window whilst pulling up beside the two Espada.

"Oh your going down!" Grimmjow snarls while taking Szayels sword and charging the car.

Inside his office Aizen sense a crazy charge in spiritual pressure coming from the parking lot. There is only one person who is so careless with the amount of spiritual pressure rolling off his body. Ichigo Kurosaki. A faint grin touches the lips of the Espada king as he slowly stands and walks outside. What he sees makes even the great Aizen stop and stare slack jawed.

Ichigo, Ishida, and Orihime are all on top of Grimmjow and beating up the enraged Sexta while Szayel stands off to the sidelines ripping out his hair and yelling something about his precious Fornicarás getting scratched. Grimmjow starts charging up his Cero but he is smothered by Orihime's very large bosom.

"WOMAN GET YOUR NUNGA-NUNGA'S OUT OF MY FACE BEFORE I OBLITERATE YOU!" Grimmjow succeeds in shoving her off him only to have Ichigo pounce on his chest.

"Just give up already, Espada. You can't win this." The teen commands while pinning the arms of the Espada to the pavement.

Ishida draws his quincy bow and aims it at the blue haired one.

"I got him covered, Ichigo-" WHACK! Ishida is smacked on the back of the head by a crowbar wielded in the hands of Gin. The dark-haired Quincy slumps to the ground, completely knocked out.

"You guys were having a party and you didn't invite ME?" Gin says with a wicked smirk.

"Szayel, how the hell do you get this sword to go into its released state!?!" Grimmjow grows while trying to hit Ichigo on the head with the sword.

"You have to shoved it down your throat." The pink haired one says while looking as if about to cry at the mistreatment of his zanpaktou.

"Are you crazy! What kind of release is THAT?!"

Szayel walks off to go sit by himself behind a car and muttering "It only works for me, tho."

Aizen comes up behind Ichigo and start to draw out Kyoka Suigetsu from its sheath at his hip.

"I've been waiting a long time for this...Kurosaki Ichigo." His voice is soft yet holding the command of a god among pathetic ants.

Ichigo just has time to glance over his shoulder and roll away from the blade that swings down towards his neck. The blade of Aizen's sword sparks as it hits the pavement where Grimmjow and Ichigo had just been wrestling for dominance.

"Why is this ugly girl suddenly attacking me and who is she?" The teen asks the Espada beside him.

Aizen glares at Ichigo. Gin falls on the ground laughing his butt off at the fact that Ichigo has the espada lord confused with an ugly girl. Grimmjow leaps to the top of a nearby truck and stands back to let Aizen finish the teen off.

"You don't recognize me, friend Ichigo?" The man says in his infuriatingly calm voice.

"No, mam."

"I am Sosuke Aizen."

"Man, this girl must be on something..." Orihime mutters to Ichigo. He nods in agreement but draws out Zangetsu just incase.

Ichigo puts his finger in his ear as if hearing some inner voice talking to him.

"No! No I am not letting you out! Do you remember what you did to Rukia's brother? He couldn't sit for a week!"

Everyone stares at Ichigo as he talks to himself.

"Shut-shut up! Just shut up!" The teen says smacking the side of his own head with the wide part of Zangetsu. Seeing everyone staring at him Ichigo looks back with a weak smile.

"My..inner..hollow keeps ..being...erm...annoying."

Aizen blinks.

"Uh okay...Where was I? Oh yes, prepare to die."

"You are the ugliest little girl I have ever seen." Orihime suddenly chirps.

Aizen feels his left eye begin to twitch. 'Breath deep, Aizen, remember what the anger management teacher said; count backwards.'

"Five...four..three...two..."

Ichigo starts back up. "Oh crap."

"One..."The espada lord lets out a long breath and grins at Ichigo.

For no reason at all Grimmjow rides a motorcycle through the parking lot while not wearing any clothing.

"I'm NAKED!!"

With that as a distraction Ichigo gathered Ishida and Orihime and drove off back to their rival dealership.

Aizen calls all the Arrancar outside the dealership then get on top of a tall truck before his servants. He holds a speaker phone up to his lips to make sure these idiots can hear him.

"I CAN HEAR ALL OF YOU CALLING ME UGLY. JUST REMEMBER: I KNOW WHERE ALL OF YOU LIVE AND I WILL BE WATCHING YOU AS YOU SLEEP, TONIGHT."

Suddenly all the arrancar present feel their blood start to run cold.


	12. Espada in the Whitehouse! oh my

This idea was presented by Chillis that Aizen be president. Unfortunately that idea has been used by some other peeps(I forget who) so me and my writing partner (my boy friend) switched it Stark as president. This took about four days to write because we kept writing a little and sending it back and doing other stuff.

Oh and if the ending doesn't make sense then go read the oreo chapter again. :]

Stay sexie-

RabidSheep

______________________________________________________________________________

White sandaled feet whisper on the hard floor as the group moves down the hallway. Aizen, Stark, Gin, Grimmjow, and Nnoitra walk down the hallway with Stark leading the group. Even if he didn't want to lead them he knows he must for lord Aizen said so. Was it their second or third political meeting thingy? He doesn't care, he just wants to get back to the bus and take a long nap.

"Aizen-sama... cant you do this?"

"Because you are more likely to get shot should someone decide to go ape crazy in this campaign." Aizen tells Stark cheerfully. "Just stick to the speech Gin made and you should be alright."

"Right." Stark glances down at the sheet in his hand.

They reach the platform as a woman finishes speaking at the podium.

"Show us you BOOOOBBBBBSS!" Nnoitra yells up at her she starts walking off stage.

As the woman leaves the podium, a few pity claps can be heard among sighs of discontent and coughs from the crowd.

"Tough crowd." Grimmjow whispers to Nnoitra. The spoony espada doesn't break his gaze from the woman's direction, still hopeful that her top will magically pop

off. "Shut up unless you grew tits and are willing to show me." Aizen pinches the two of them lightly on their necks. "What did I tell you about talking

while others are talking?" Simultaneously, the two sighed and repeated, almost robotically: "He who talks most will get burned to toas-" Before they could

finish, Aizen shushes them and clammers to his tippy-toes. "Shh. Shut up, shut up, shut up. He's doin' it. Stark is speaking."

The crowd of southerners stared at the tall, willowy man, clad in white. They could not believe it. He...he had come back for them!

Many men in the crowd begin taking off their hats and pressing them to their hearts. Women begin kissing their cross necklaces and muttering the lords prayer over and over while looking at the man clad in white with tear brimming eyes.

"Uhmmm..Ahem.."Stark shuffles his paper and clears his throat as if unsure of whet to say. "Uuuhhh...Hi..."

The crowd stare back at him in disbeleif.

"I am-" He starts but is cut off by a burly man in overalls.

"We know who you are!"

Stark scratches his head in confusion. Since when did the humans in this world know anything about the Espada?

"Y-you do?"

"You're....JESUS!"

A little boy moves to the front the crowd and nods up at the primera.

"That's right! Your our lord and savior, for sure!"

"Eh?" Stark looks around confused at Aizen. The shinigami traitor nods his head and mouths the words 'Roll with it!'

"Why do you think that?" Stark asks the boy.

"Well for one thing your dressed head to toe in white, you have his hair and face, and when I was coming in I saw you and your angels coming out of the sky. Your Jesus!"

"Okay...whatever...I have a speech here I need to read so....shut up and listen."

The crowd all nod in agreement.

"What ever you say, Jesus."

Stark starts reading off the carefully handwritten paper.

"I think this nation was founded on morals or something..." The primera makes a face and glance at Gin who had written the speech. The silver haired fox face just shrugs and grins wider.

Gin snickers behind Aizen and tries not to poop his pants at the hilarity of the scene.

Aizen turns from Stark's speech to Gin. "You knew this would happen, didn't you?"

"Kuku, but a course, Lord Aizen. Sounded like fun." Aizen nods acceptingly, hands behind his back in a most refined manner. "Gin." His subordinate looks up, slightly afraid. There was something different in

Aizen's voice. A hint of annoyance, perhaps? "Who is...Jesus?" "He's their..." He lost his words and will to speak. Uh-oh. He completely overlooked how angry

Aizen would get when he learned just who exactly this Jesus fellow was. "Nevermind. We're missing the speech. Thanks for nothing." Relieved and sighing with content, Aizen's right-hand man excused himself

to the restroom. All this stress did a wonder on his bowels.

"...and that's how I plan to decrease the defic-defic-(sound it out, Stark, sound it out!) def-uh-sit." Stark stared into the crowed who stared in return. They all looked so stupid and human with their blank, primitive stares.

"Tell us the story about how you're Jesus again!" The silence erupted into cheer and hooplah. Turning the paper over and shuffling his feet, Stark mumbled. "I..I dunno. I kinda had to read this stuff. I'll get in

trouble with my master."

The man in overalls laughed quite heartily at this. "I'm sure yo' daddy, God would be okay with it."

At this, Aizen perked up. He couldn't believe that people from the human world actually knew who he was! Aizen made his way to the podium beside Aizen and

leaned into the mounted microphone. "Oh, I see you've all heard of me. That saves about 15 minutes of me rambling." He held for laughter. None came. "...aaaaaaaanyway, you hit the nail on the head about the

first thing but I sure as heck am NOT his father."

Again the crowd grew silent. Only seconds later the crowd grew into fearful mutterings and screaming. And then, yelling and accusations. "ANTI-CHRIST! He's the

Anti-Christ!"

And that's how they lost Arkansas's vote. Still people confused Stark for Jesus and Aizen for the Anti-Christ, some even said Gin was some other deity that noone really cares to hear about.

Further in the campaign they made it to one debate when their running-mate'mysteriously' had his head exploded by what officials could only describe as a 'a giant laser cannon thing a ma bob' where only a smoking torso remained. Needless to say the election was won by Aizen and company by a landslide. After all its pretty easy to win when you have a deity on your side.

Signs with Stark and Aizen had their names crossed out and replace with Jesus and The Anti-Christ. It became clear to the Espada and their leader that the humans were by far much stupider then ever imagined. Sitting in the presidential limo Stark reclines back, deciding to take a nap on his way to the speech that will be shown live on TV's all across the world.

Azien sits on the opposite side and sips on some champagne while Gin and Nnoitra play Bleach on their Nintendo DSs, Grimmjow is eating a tuna-fish sandwich.

A tapping on Stark's side of the limo nearly gave him a heart attack. Flustered, he rolled down the window to see what the big idea was.

"Why do you interrupt your God's nap?" He booms, hands waving around for added effect. The man rubs his neck and looks at the ground as he speaks.

"Uh, Mr. Stark...you're not God, you're Presiden-" NNNIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWAHHHW AHHHWAHHH! Thats the sound of a cero firing off from Starks pointed middle finger.

NONBELIEVER! He had to be dealt with accordingly. Stark thrusts the door open and the remaining Espada in the limousine begin to sing in acapella in tune to his walking as he makes his way to the crowd of people in front of the White House. He is nearly to the podium when suddenly he is berated by news people thrusting microphones in his face.

"Mr. President, Mr. President-", one of them yells.

NNNIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWAHHHW AHHHWAHHH!

ANOTHER NONBELIEVER! The area grows quiet and everyone gives him looks. The news people fled, afraid of meeting the same fate. Stark reaches down and grabs the microphone from the fallen newscaster.

"Fear not, my people! I was performing holy work just now. The two people you saw fall before my might were defecting away from our beliefs. Yes, that's right, my friends. Evil walks among us!" As Stark delivers his speech to the millions watching below as well as the viewers watching on TV people begin staring in wide eyed disbelief of the man they had elected to lead their country. Aizen walks behind the Primera and runs his hand through his hair with that creepy grin plastered on his face. Seeing him behind their president the crowd gasps in fear which makes stark turn to glance over his shoulder.

"No no not HIM. That's just Aizen-sama. He's not that evil."

Aizen glares at Stark.

"I-I mean he's NOT evil AT ALL!" He manages a weak grin at his king and leader.

In some random home in rural mid western United States an elder couple flip on the TV just in time to catch the life presidential swearing in. They watch in horror as President Stark goes on a rant about how he really hates water balloons as some teal haired man walks through the back ground completely naked with his toned rear bared for the world to see. Still another man with long black hair is wresting with a silver haired man for over what appears to be the attention of a large breasted girl they spotted in the audience.

"Good heavens!" The elderly woman fans herself with her hand and faints.

Her husman reaches out and turns off the TV with a frown.

"That freak is out president? Well it looks like we are all doomed."

The Espada lord pulls out a bag of red oreo cookies that had become a cult sensation ever since their release a couple of months ago.

Aizen eyed the cookie fondly before slowly inserting it into his mouth and chews it with relish.

"I love the taste of children."


	13. Arrancar in the Outfield

Alrighty we took a small vacation from writing but we are back to bring you more entertaining stories about everyone's favorite bad guys! This idea was brought up by xosnobunniox. All credit to him/her. Written in tag team with my sexy lil uke who is quite talented at this sort of thing (as well as other things ;) ).

Hope you enjoy it and stay sexy!-

RabidSheep

______________________________________________________________________________

"Yankee Stadium. The beloved baseball stadium of New York. Hello my name is Aizen Sousuke."

"And I am Gin Ichimaru."

"And we will be your announcers for this game; Yankees VS Royals."

"Beautiful day isn't it, Lord Aizen?" Gin turns to Aizen who sits beside him in the announcer box. For some reason they are both wearing their arrancar clothing, still.

"I'll say, Gin. It looks like not a cloud in the sky!" Aizen replies.

"Ahaha your so fake." Gin quips with a chuckle.

Aizen gives him an 'I will rape you later' look to which all the color drains from Gin's face.

Down below Yammy sits in the crowd with a giant box of peanuts and a super sized soda cup. He is decked out head to toe in Yankee merchandise complete with ball-cap, shirt, pants, and face paint. Yep, Yammy is a Yankees fan.

Tousen stands in the outfield with one glove up as if that was gonna help him catch a ball. No one had even bothered to tell him the teams hadn't even gone out on field, yet. He begins to suspect they are playing joke on him

like when they asked him to play scrabble on game night when they know he is blind. He had spent hours moving the little wooden tiles around and asking if it formed a word. Lets just say apparently Yonkers IS a word.

In the far right corner of the stadium there is a concession stand. Yes, that's right. The haven of overpriced items and foodstuffs you wouldn't dare eat on any other day but a day like this. It is operated by none other than the Cuatro Espada, who happens to be feeling more down than usual.

"Hello, I would like a jumbo hotdog with mustard on it.", an obese man sporting Royals attire announces. Without a word Ulquiorra grabs the bun and meat, slaps the two together, and throws them into a sack. "Enjoy your amebic dystentry." The Espada quietly quips as the man walks away.

It is only seconds later before the man returns. "HEY!", he yells, shoving a woman from her spot in the line. "I said I wanted mustard, you idiot!" Ulquiorra heartily sighs. "What's the point...you're gonna die from heart disease anyway. If your weight and diet are any indication, I'd say

you have only 5 months left before you have a heart attack. Try as they might, the paramedics will try to save you but you're so fat that you're sure to crush the gurney they try to take you away in." The man says no more and walks away without his mustard. "I'm so lonely..." he whispers to himself, trying his best to not quake his lip.

Meanwhile-

In the stands, it appears a fight has broken out between two fans of the opposing teams. "Then what are you doing here, you idiot?" Yammy says to the Royals fan. "Maybe you should go back to YOUR side with those jackholes!" The people nearby boo, hiss, and throw their beverages at him.

"YOU'RE the one on the wrong side, idiot!", his nemesis yells over the hissing. "Weren't you wondering why everyone else was wearing different colored clothes? What are you--colorblind?" That last word struck Yammy hard. It was like 1st grade all over again! (Colorblind, colorblind, colorblind...) The haunting words lingered in his mind. They

were against him. JUST AS MRS. AVORY HAD BEEN! They all had to DIE! Ripping his shirt to shreds, Yammy throws himself at the crowd of fans.

"Oh my." Aizen mutters with one hand over his mouth. "It appears as if chaos has erupted in the stands. We're excited for the game too, gentlemen. But you'll just have to be patient"

Gin smiles and nods. "That they do, Lord Aizen. That they do."

Yammy rips a Royals fan completely in half and lunges for another but is pulled back from the crowd by three security officers.

"Sir, we gonna have to ask you to leave."

Yammy is beyond the point of comprehending words spoken to him.

"I'm not color-blind! Stop mocking MEEE!" He yells as he is escorted out of the stadium.

Back in the four court Stark sits in the kitchen cooking hotdogs.

"You sure you should be using your cero to heat them up like that?" Ulquiorra stands behind the brown haired man watching him cook.

"Please, Ulquie, Its quicker then using that complicated human contraption to cook em in." Stark mutters, the small ball of cero in his hand growing as it picks up energy.

"You mean the microwave? Its not that complicated, Stark. You press a button and-"

"TO LATE!" Stark fires his cero at the hotdog and the room is filled with the light of his laser-beam.

When the smoke finally clears both Espada look down at the charred remains of what was once a tasty hot dog.

"Well that didn't work."

"Ya think?" Ulquiorra says then puts a hand on Stark's shoulder. "Come, youngling, let me teach you the mysterious ways of the microwave."

Out in the serving area Nnoitra leans over the counter and flirts with a young woman.

"Hey babe, All this could be yours for one low, low price!" He says handing her a hotdog and trying to look sexy. She looks surprised then disgusted as she walks away.

"Uhm. No." She says with a smirk.

Another girl steps up in line to fill the place where she left. Nnoitra will not be shot down so easily, he puts his moves on the new girl.

"Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!"

The girl looks horrified and takes off running. Its no problem because yet another woman, older then the first two, steps up in line to order some nachos.

Nnoitra runs his hand through his long black hair.

"Hey baby, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart."

He gets a plate of Nachos shoved in his face. Nothing is more embarrassing them having the wide melted cheese from your nose and eyes in front of a line of hungry customers.

Meanwhile out in the stands Grimmjow is decked out in a popcorn mans outfit, complete with the tray strapped to his shoulders for serving popcorn, and a cute little at on his head. He looks piss off.

"Oi! Popcorn boy, toss me one over here!" An obese man says whilst snapping his fingers. He receives a box of popcorn chucked in his face courtesy of the sixth espada.

"Screw this job..." He says to nobody in particular. "If only there was an easy way to get fired." As he says this, he looks to the field where the players have now taken their positions. "Hm." This was it! He knew what he had to-

"Oi, toss a bag over here, dude.", a greasy looking fellow commanded.

"Go to hell." The Sexta commanded in return, tossing the remaining bags over the wall of the stadium.

We now return to Ulquiorra, Stark, and the magical microwave.

"I still don't get it!" Stark whined. "I'll never be able to work it and I'll end up empty and alone and-"

Ulquiorra grabbed the Primera Espada's hand and guided it to the button and looked him in the eyes.

"Shhh. Don't say that. Now, click here."

Stark did as he was told. "See, was that so hard?"

Stark could only help but to stare at his finger, then the microwave, then his finger once again, and then the numbers displayed upon the microwave.

"Wow! That came out of ME? Now I won't be alone forever!"

Ulquiorra then took his superior by the hand and there they were, face to face.

"No. You won't be. You have me." As he went in for the kiss, Stark pulled away.

"Okay, this is getting weird." He decided, and left the room.

"I just want someone to love..." Ulquiorra sobbed. "I wonder if Grimmjow would want to see a movie later. Wonder how he's doing right now..."

"Yes, that's right, folks." Spoke Gin. "There's a naked man with blue hair upon the field."

"Thank you for stating the obvious, Gin." Aizen retorted.

Try as they might, none of the players from either team could tackle the mysterious blue-haired streaker. "Haha, f**k you, I'm naked!"

It was only due to the passing of the hours that things finally settled down. Aizen and Gin grew bored commenting on the game and took to making fun of how the players looked instead. Yammy managed to kill the security guards who had tried to contain him and snuck back into the game wearing a phony guise of a mustache and glasses. Ulquiorra was still managing the concession stand in hopes of ascertaining true love.

Stark took to placing random objects in the microwave. Oh, how he loved to watch bunnies burn then explode! What? Why did you cringe? Nnoitra finally had enough of getting shot down and decided to take the night off early to reflect on his life. Nah, just kidding. He's out there somewhere gettin' some. And as for Grimmjow? Well...let's just say that you won't be seeing much more of him anytime soon. Alas, there are two people we haven't talked about yet. Hallible and Barragan. It had been his idea to take her on this date and so far it had been nothing but awkward silence and old man farts.

Hallibel crosses her arms over her chest and wishes she had just stayed back in Las Noches with her fraccion. All of them were probably painting their finger nails and exchanging gossip with Szayel in their room right now. The setting sunlight paints its way over the field to where someone had moved Tousen over to the side to keep him from getting hurt. She watches advertisements and other random crap flash across the big screen. Suddenly Barragan sits up straighter then usual and turns to her in his excitement.

"Uh perhaps you should watch the screen, mi'love!" He says gruffly to her. Casting her eyes to the screen she gasps in shock as she reads what it says in gaudy golden lettering.

"TIA HALLIBEL WILL YOU MARRY ME?" It reads then the camera zooms into where they sit in the audience together. Rage runs through the big breasted woman like a roaring dragon.

"So? Will you?" He asks hopefully.

Shaking in her anger she fists clenched at her sides she turns to him, eyes a blaze with inner fire. Barragan feels a twinge of fear run his blood ice cold.

"Uh oh..."

-SMACK!-

He is left reeling in pain as stars dance behind his closed eye lids as the female espad stands and stomps out towards the exit.

"F**cking jack*** thinking I am gonna marry him he's got another f**king thing coming if he thinks im some cheap a** wh*re!" She mutters as she goes.

Inside the announcer box Aizen cringes while watching Hallibel's reaction on the big screen.

"Ooohh I guess that's a no!"

Gin turns to him with a smirk.

"Now who is stating the obvious, Lord Aizen?"

"I'm gonna rape you tonight."

"Aww man."

High in the stands in the lonely part where noone want to go sits a brown hair boy who scribbling names on a note book. An evil grin touches his lips. Lower in the stands a detective named L sudden gasps, clutching his chest, then falls out of his seat. Dead. Light Yagami grins down into his Death Note.

"Just as planned."


	14. Hot Topic Destruction

Well guys this has been fun but I fear this shall be the last entry into the How To Get Fired From Your Job series. I have to go to boot camp in a few days so I won't be on to update so I might as well end it here. Thanks to all my reviewers and readers! Stay smexie.

-RabidSheep

**Hot Topic Destruction**

As Ulquiorra hung yet another pair of Tripp pants on the bar he can hear the footsteps on humans walking around in this large shopping place called a mall. He frowns more then usual then sighs as he walks to the back to get another box of these hideous pants with fake metal hanging from them.

"Do humans actually think the metal on these pants will protect them from anything?" He asks himself.

Grimmjow who is trying on a skull and cross bones bra over his shirt turns to the fourth espada.

"Hey! Be honest…does this bra make my boobs look fake?" He teases.

"Be quiet, trash, and get back to work."

"Oi! Don't tell me what to do!"

"Aizen-sama won't like you playing around like this."

"Blow me." Grimmjow growls and turns back to his box of bras.

"Okay." Ulquiorras voice replies. The teal haired Espadas's eyes widen and he quickly turns around to face the fourth once more.

"Wha?-oh." He sees Ulquiorra talking to a black clad little girl who was rambling on about some band T-shirt she was looking for.

Slightly heartbroken, Grimmjow walked back to his cash register in hopes of getting some actual work done. What awaited him was an unattended line of angsty teenagers that grew by the second. He knew there was no way in hell. Walking the opposite direction, he thought aloud "Damn, why couldn't Aizen have gotten us awesome jobs at Chick-fil-a or the Gap?" A not-so-sickly cough reminded him that he was still being watched.

"I heard that, Grimmjow." The Sexta Espada did not move.

"Lord Aizen...are you... in the ceiling?" There was a brief silence followed by the sound of metallic clinging as if something overhead was moving around. "I am everywhere. And I am nowhere."

As he was nearly out the door, Ulquiorra stopped conversing with his female companion and shouted to the would-be escapist. "Grimmjow!"

The panther cringes and slowly glances over his shoulder into the glaring face of the fourth. "I have…to go."

"Aizen-sama's orders were for you to stay here and help me work. "

Grimmjow is a sneaky hollow so he thinks up and plan and he thinks it up quick. "I have diarrhea!" He yells then shoves Ulquiorra then takes off running down the hall into the crowd where he is swallowed by the mass of moving humans. The fourth sighs and turns back to the girl.

"You were saying?" He retrieves the shirt and the girl walks away, happy with her MCR merchandise. Soon a little girl tugs on his sleeve and he looks down at her with cold green eyes.

"What do you want?" He questions. The girl looks away whilst twirling her hair around her finger then looks back at him as if unsure of what to say to him. Ulquiorra's patience wanes.

"Uhhhmmmmm…Are you a vampire?" She asks in her squeaky child's voice, if he ever wanted to strangle something…No no strangling customers is bad.

"Yes, now go away." He walks around the girl and starts working the cash register as the mass of deep and brooding teens file past with their overpriced merchandise clutched tight in shiny black bags.

15 minutes pass and thanks to Ulquiorra's top drawer cashiering skills, the line has died. Save for one customer, his fan from before. "Hello, welcome to Hot Topic, how was your shopping ex-, oh it's you. Leave."

"Are you sure you aren't a vampire, 'cause you're kinda hot. This one time I gawble gawblelfllfl ldlerldldlfldlfl bla bla bla bla bla I suck, please destroy me." He was no longer paying attention to a single thing she was saying. Ulquiorra could only take notice of her twirling her hair. Twirling would only lead to damage. He took note of this. Split ends. Dying roots. Receding hairline.

Yammy was a perfect example of this. He was once known throughout Hueco Mundo as having the most lustrous head of hair until he learned of 'twirling'. Terrible thing it was. It was the craze for a while in the world of the hollows. Nobody was safe from its clutches. Not even the Sexta himself. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schiffer. There's nothing we can do for you. We'll have to shave it all off.", he recalled the barber telling him between sobs. For months he was known to his peers only as Ikkaku. Reality returned and something snapped in the Espada's mind and he knew she would have to pay the ultimate price for making him recall such trauma.

As he leapt over the counter, a voice from above suddenly shouted "NOOOOOOOOOO!" and a crash echoed through the store.

Aizen falls on top of Ulquiorra and splats them both on the floor. The little girl looks down at the man pile at her feet with wide eyes.

"Lookie! Now you are TWO vampires. I shall can _you_ Edward," She points at Ulquiorra then at Aizen "And you will be Jacob."

Aizen looks irked at this. As he peels Ulquiorra off him and rises up off the floor in all his dark glory he smirks at the girl.

"Jacob was a werewolf, stupid." He tells the girl then runs his hand through his suave brown hair. Oh yeah, Aizen uses only the best shampoo.

Ulquiorra stands up then bows before his lord and master. The girl sets her hands on her hips and glares up at Aizen.

"No you're wrong! Edward AND Jacob are both vampires!" She yells at him. The brown haired man chuckles and glares at her.

"Well you're stupid, and short, and you will probably grow up to be a crack whore." He smoothly tells her.

He falls down to the ground holding his man bits after the little girl delivered a swift kick to the groin then left the store.

"AAHHHHH!" There is the sound of someone screaming from the ceiling then a loud crash as Gin falls out of the ceiling. He jumps up off the floor and is dusting himself off within a moment. "What did I miss, gents?"

Ulquiorra presses his fingers into his eyes as the throbbing migraine behind them blooms. "Oh my freaking Aizen, did you really just do that?"

Not to be forgotten, Tousen chimes in. "Should I jump down or what?" Aizen sighs and escorts his blind friend from the store entrance. "Kaname...we've been over this. You had the surgery. You can see again."

Tousen frowns and turns away. "Did not. You just bought me these slinky eyes and a mustache from the Dollar Tree and gave them to me when you were drunk." Aizen laughs and slaps his friend on the back. "Oh yeah."

Everyone laughs but soon the mood loses its appeal when the store begins to crowd again. "How long is this thing open, anyway?", Gin questions as if he were a child. Aizen pulls from his European shoulder bag (it was a Christmas gift) his phone. 3:45 PM. We've still got 4 hours or so. Who wants to go to the arcade?"

Ulquiorra lets out a sigh, knowing he'll be left alone to deal with both the mess and the customers. Well, not this time, it would seem. "Hey, guys, I'm back." Grimmjow has returned at last from his pilgrimage to the gods of porcelain.

"Who's paying for the tokens?" Aizen yells as he, Gin, Tousen, and Ulquiorra scramble from Hot Topic. Grimmjow, alone, looks once again at the evergrowing line of teenagers.

"Fuck."

On his way to the arcade Aizen suddenly transforms into a giant robot and races ahead of everyone else.

And they all lived happily ever after. The end.


End file.
